Those Pesky Resentments

We have woodpecker problems. No matter what we've done to get rid of them, they come back every spring. This has been going on ever since we moved into our dream house. You could say that our struggle with the woodpeckers has been a bit of a nightmare.

But just like recurring resentments, our attitude towards the woodpeckers makes all the difference. We can get angry and start throwing rocks, accidentally breaking a window or two; or we can shoo them off whenever they start their pecking.

Trouble is, we're not always here to take care of them, just like with our resentments--we're not always aware of them until they have reared their ugly heads and done some damage. I'm usually aware of my big resentments when they start pecking at me again, but lately I've realized that I have a lot of little resentments that I need to deal with.

For example, I recently made new friends on a social website from a list of high school acquaintances. I was careful, though, not making friends with those people who had "done me wrong" such as a girlfriend who dumped me back in 5th grade. Fifth grade! That's going back a very long time. How silly of me, I decided. I'm only hurting myself, so I changed my mind.

I was also given the opportunity in my Al-Anon program recently to figure out what was going on with me when asked to do service work and my immediate reaction was "ick, absolutely not, that person/group 'done me wrong.'" Fortunately, I reasoned things out with a trusted friend who suggested I write about it before answering.

In one case, I still said "no" because I didn't want to commit to the time a project would take. In the other case, I said "yes" but they had already found someone else. In that case, it was a win-win: I learned how a resentment was holding me back but they probably found someone better suited to the request.

As far as the woodpeckers go, they probably aren't leaving any time soon. And getting angry at them does not help the situation. In fact, anger makes the situation worse. After all, the woodpeckers are doing what woodpeckers do. We have no control over them. We are able to pound on the wall or go outside and shoo them away.

Or hope for the same miracle of nature that happened last year. Starlings came and fought the woodpeckers away. We still had birds nesting in our siding, but starling don't make gigantic holes like woodpeckers do so the damage was a lot less last year. Sometimes, letting nature take its course is the best non-action one can do.

It reminded me of the slogans "Let Go and Let God" and "Live and Let Live" and how surrendering a resentment or a pesky problem can work wonders. May you find peace and serenity this spring as you let go of resentments, big and small.

Taking Risks

Okay, I've been playing it safe for too long. Even though that is what I needed when I first came into Al-Anon and for many years. To be with and interact with people like myself who had agreed to treat each other with mutual respect in order to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. But now, now that I've practiced "correct" behavior through service work and around my family members, now it is time to step out of my comfort zone and take a few risks.

Today I began that process. I met with a non-program person to discuss our common interest which has nothing to do with a 12-step program. I had never met this person before today. We found each other online. I trusted my Greater Power to tell me if she was safe. I believe she is, especially since we're meeting in a public place and not making any huge commitments. And if it doesn't work out for us to continue meeting, we can always agree to stop.

It's not like I haven't been taking risks all along. I took a risk coming to Al-Anon for the first time. I took a risk every time I set a boundary with my drinking spouse before and after he got sober. I take a risk every time I leave my house, either on foot, on my bike, or in my car. Every time I pick up the phone to call a friend or relative, I take the risk of being "rejected" - of someone saying "no."

I have and can continue to live the Serenity Prayer - to ask God for the courage to change the things I can. In other words, to take a few risks...

Alcoholism - A Killer Disease

My Saturday Al-Anon group was reminded again that alcoholism is a disease that kills. A member shared that her spouse had died. I don't know why we were shocked, but it so seldom happens because most of us have loved ones in recovery. But it could have happened in my life and it still could. I need to be grateful again for recovery, mine as well as others.

It's hard for me to understand that alcoholism is a disease. After all, it's treatment is mostly spiritual rather than with medications or chemotherapy. It is unlike cancer which a close family member is now battling. We don't expect her to get herself to all her doctor and chemo appointments while taking care of children and household chores. Instead, we are willing and able to assist in any way we can. We believe this will help her get better.

With the alcoholics, however, we have had to detach with love and not enable them by trying to fix them or the consequences of their drinking. In the past, this kind of help has only prolonged the disease, keeping them from hitting their bottoms and getting the real help they need. We have had to let go and let God and take care of ourselves, which is the best way to be prepared when the alcoholics ask for help.

We still need to be cautious that we only do for them what they can't do for themselves and what the God of our understanding asks of us. Often this is simply encouraging them in their recovery and spending more time alone while they go to meetings and take on service positions. One of the best ways I've dealt with this aspect is to do my own service work, including positions and sponsoring. This almost always works to get me out of self-pity and the blame game.

After all, I don't blame my loved one for having cancer. I just accept it and take care of myself so I am able to help when I am asked. In this way, dealing with the two diseases is the same. If I let myself go to pot, I'm no good to anybody. I practice "live and let live" so I don't push my opinions on anyone or hover unnecessarily. And sometimes I have to say "no" because I have made another commitment or simply need to have some fun.

My God doesn't expect me to do it all or do it all alone. I also have to ask for help. It's exhausting to deal with someone else's life-threatening disease. Right now, for example, I caught a virus and am still recovering from a secondary infection. I've had to let my housework go and say "yes" to activities that get me out in the sun and out of my head. I've had to take life one day at a time, never knowing from day to day how I will feel or what will be asked of me.

In this way, I know that God will give me the courage and strength I need to do his/her will just for today. I need not go into the future, worrying about someone dying. Neither need I go into the past, regretting my past behavior or thinking about all the woulda, coulda, shouldas. Right now, in this moment, all is well. I'm feeling better. My sick loved one is having a good day. And my spouse is sober. It is easy to have an attitude of gratitude.

It helps me to remember how fragile life is and how much our 12-step programs have helped us hang on to the gift of life. Help me, God, to never forget that alcoholism, like cancer, is a deadly disease.

On the Return of Characer Defects

Oh, those pesky woodpeckers. They show up every spring and where one hole is patched, another hole is drilled right around the corner. Every morning, as I sit down for my cup of coffee and "quiet" time, I almost immediately have to get up, unlock the front door, and step around the front of the house to scare away a woodpecker, often several times. Eventually, if I'm lucky, that works.

But there are days like today when I've been on vacation for a week and the hole is almost ready for a nest. The woodpecker, like a character defect, is more determined to set up housekeeping. I realize that my real problem is more often than not the lack of meetings or mini-meetings with my sponsor, program friends, and sponsees. I've let life get to me and began focusing on stuff, real or imagined.

It doesn't take long for me to get angry at a bird that is just doing what his/her species do. Mainly because I am on the verge of being angry at God for sending me stuff I can barely handle, and certainly not handle alone. I want to fill my life with activity, busyness, to avoid the pain I'm feeling. I start living in the future, or worse, the past. Then I remember to work Step 11 and ask God for guidance Just for Today.

It doesn't take long for serenity to begin to return and my character defects to lift, if indeed I let God do what God does best - give me the wisdom to know what I can and can not do with my current circumstances as well as my loved ones'. When I rely on God, my burdens also lift and life feels easier. I don't have to worry or be depressed or get angry. I can be calm and take care of myself so I am better able to help others. Or I can ask for help from others.

What a concept! Maybe that is what I really need to do. I am only human, after all, and can only handle so much on my own. I'm grateful that I am not alone - I have God, I have Al-Anon, and I have family. Thank you, God, for reminding me of what I've gained from my program. Amen.

What I Learned at the International

1. I can be grateful that my father abandoned me when I was eight years old. The thought simply occurred to me when someone shared they were grateful that their fiance had left them.

2. If God wants me to make a connection with someone in particular, it will happen - over and over again without having to use cell phones or make plans.

3. If I don't respond like I want when someone recognizes me, I can ask God for a second chance to give that person a hug and my prayer will be answered.

4. It's quite alright to show some emotion when sharing at the mic - you might help someone else feel the feelings they had been stuffing also since childhood.

5. If you're not enjoying a speaker, still listen because you might hear what you need to "just for today." In the meantime, look around the arena and imagine all the recovery in the building.

6. I can forget my diet for a day and make up for the calories by walking all over Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - which is a beautiful city with stunning architecture.

7. My spouse's sobriety helps him deal with long lines and delays, even teaching some Al-Anons that getting angry is not the solution. He told one impatient lady that he can certainly stand in line to buy a bottle of water for his wife who spent many hours waiting for him when he was drinking.

8. I am able to get up early (when it's two hours earlier back home) in order to support Al-Anons from my Area who are speaking, even though I am definitely not a morning person.

9. I can actually be nice to my sober spouse 99.9% of the time, especially if I make the decision to enjoy his company for who he is now, rather than continue to live in the past when he was drinking.

10. I can make a new friend in Al-Anon while standing in line, even if English is her second language. And because I decided to go against my old nature and befriend someone else, I heard the lesson again that my Greater Power has been teaching me this year - "Imagine what it is like to be your father, to have never made amends to your daughter, to be old and estranged from her - imagine that and you will not only be compassionate, you will be able to forgive the person without forgiving the behavior."

Lois Wilson's Family Home in Brooklyn

By pure luck, we ended up staying in Brooklyn on our last
weekend trip to New York City. We had some time on our
hands so were able to walk the couple blocks to Lois Wilson's family home, the home she and Bill Wilson were living in when he finally got sober. It was also the home where Bill not only held the first A.A. meetings in New York, but housed a lot of drunks. It is privately owned and not a museum, unlike Dr. Bob Smith's home in Akron, Ohio, where Bill W. and Dr. Bob had their first meeting which was the beginning of A.A. We were able to see that home in 2005 on our way back from the A.A. International in Toronto. In the future, I hope to visit Stepping Stones, the Wilsons' next and final permanent home which is outside NYC (see blogroll).

The significance of seeing Lois' beautiful home in Brooklyn Heights is knowing that even though her father was a doctor and her upbringing was that of privilege, she married an alcoholic. And even though Bill got sober, Lois was the only one working and bringing home a paycheck for years. She was also cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for all the drunks that came and went in her beautiful family home. But it wasn't enough. She eventually lost her family home and she and Bill were essentially homeless for a long time until they were able to buy Stepping Stones.

When I read her biography, The Lois Wilson Story: When Love Is Not Enough by William G. Borchert, I realized just how sick Lois was. For 15 years after her husband co-founded A.A. she continued to take care of most his needs, enabling him to put most of his time and effort into A.A. and thus stay sober, but also to be a part to Lois losing her family home in the process. Of course, she didn't have Al-Anon like I do, and I'll be forever grateful to her for helping start a recovery program for me and all the other family members and friends of alcoholics who need a "home" for themselves to recover from the family disease of alcoholism.

Even with recovery, I stayed married to an active alcoholic for 15 years while in Al-Anon. I didn't lose my home, but I lost a lot of friends and jobs along the way, and wasted a lot of energy on negativity, anger, and dire unhappiness. My husband is sober now and I am grateful, even to Lois for enabling Bill to work with a bunch of drunks right in her home, 24/7. I can't imagine. I don't even let my husband use our family phone line for taking A.A. calls. I've asked him to use his cell phone.

I know I need to work harder at being compassionate towards alcoholics; after all, it says in one of our traditions that part of our primary purpose is to encourage alcoholics in their recovery. At the same time, I need to keep a balance between being there for them and taking care of myself. I believe that Lois learned this later on, after she lost her family home, but only after she had her own program and began minding her own business. How wonderful that she did, and that she passed it on through Al-Anon. Because of her legacy, I have discovered my own ability to "Live and Let Live." Thank you, God!

As Simple As A Schedule...

I've been to a lot of meetings this month on the first step, on being powerless over alcohol plus people, places, and things - on my life being unmanagable when I try to control the disease of alcoholism and anything else that is beyond my control. However, the Serenity Prayer tells me that there are things I can change, I just need the wisdom to know what they are. It's not that I have no control over anything.

So this morning when I was feeling "scattered" because I had things I wanted to do today, rather than things I had to do at a specific time, I decided I would write those things down and make a schedule for myself. Suddenly, I felt in control, realizing that I could get everything done and have time to relax a little, too. Writing down times next to items like "checking my email" and "blogging" seemed a bit trivial, but guess what, it worked.

It reminded me of something my mom did a long time ago that I thought silly. She made herself a little schedule for each day which included important things to her like "read the Bible and pray" along with obvious things like "eat breakfast." But now that I'm more or less retired and the kids are raised, my days easily get away from me and that makes me feel out of control. Writing down a schedule seemed to work, just for today.

By the way, almost immediately, my daughter and I made plans to go to the mall to find her a new outfit for interviews on Monday. That wasn't in my schedule, but there's nothing wrong with being flexible. I still got my errands and laundry done, and now I'm blogging. In a few minutes, I will go to the gym. Oh, our dinner plans got cancelled, so shopping and lunch with my daughter was my social life today.

I can't believe that such a little thing like writing down a schedule gave my day some order, and me serenity. I could have done what I so often do on these "free" days and run around in circles getting very little done and then wondering where the time went. Thank you, God. I'm still learning.

PURE JOY!!

It wasn't very long ago that I was wishing to have my dog's mind, at least as far as her disposition goes. She's consistent in both her actions and attitudes. She's always at the door to greet me, wagging her tail whether I've been gone 5 minutes or 5 hours. She may be a little extra hungry if I get home late to feed her, but she doesn't hold a grudge. She didn't even hold a grudge the time we left her out in the pouring rain (unintentionally) while we went to a movie.

Today, however, she did something out of the ordinary. I was folding clothes in my bedroom upstairs and she bounded up the stairs all excited. "She must have been outside," I thought, "and wants a snack." Instead, she began running from room to room, all on her own. I say all on her own because this is the game we play with her when we haven't had a chance to take her for a walk. We take turns calling her and she runs back and forth, jumping up on the couch in the loft and then the bed in the bedroom. All I had to do today to keep her going was say "go" and "come" and she ran for at least five minutes, as happy as could be. "Pure joy," I laughed, "she's happy and running just for the joy of it."

Oh, how hard it is for me to be happy and do things just for the joy of it. Like playing the piano or writing a poem. Today is one of my good days, even though I'm home alone all day doing laundry and cleaning house. I could have decided not to be happy today when I woke up late and thought, "Oh, no, I have so much to do!" Instead, I said, "Wonderful, it's cold and snowy outside and I don't have to go anywhere. I get to stay home all day and be domestic, maybe bake something with those two ripe bananas, maybe even write something..."

Recovery is all about our attitude. I've said so many times in meetings that nothing really changed in my life but my attitude, and that made all the difference. How grateful I am for my happy dog who shows me over and over again that life is for living right here, right now. She's so patient, waiting for me to do things with her, and so forgiving when I ignore her for days. So today I gave her an extra snack because she helped me hold onto the joy I had chosen this morning. Just for today, just for joy, pure joy!!

Doing God's Will

Doing God's will doesn't always feel good. Sometimes, I'd rather just stay home by myself and not answer the phone or doorbell. I'd rather not drive in the dark, on the ice, to meet with a sponsee. I'd rather not adjust my attitude, put on a smile, and drive across town for a pre-Christmas get-together with my children and granddaughter (even though I love them dearly).

I'd rather not be on the road again, first to my parents' for another pre-Christmas thing with my sister and nieces; second to my mother-in-law's to help her move and then partake in a family reunion on Christmas Day. I'm not in the mood to be helpful or merry; neither am I feeling well physically; so I'd rather not show up.

But I will. Because I know it is God's will for me to be there for others. If I've learned nothing else this year, it's that my presence on this earth actually matters to other people - friends, family, sponsees, and sponsors. And if I allow myself to reach out to them in small but significant ways, I will be blessed with that feeling of being connected that got shut off when I was a child.

Instead of feeling all alone, that anyone I love and depend upon will disappear, I will realize and internalize that I am part of a family, albeit imperfect, as well as my Al-Anon family which is infinite, always changing and growing. I am indeed blessed. And so it is with gratitude that I press on, doing God's will for my life even when I don't feel like it.

Chances are that my feelings will change as I add memories to my mental scrapbook:

-my sponsee's adorable baby gobbling down cereal
-my granddaughter saying "baby" in a southern-type accent
-an intimate conversation with my spouse about the meaning of Christmas
-the unexpected discovery of a Canadian sitcom while watching TV in our motel room
-and now, the time to take the dog for a walk before brunch with an old college friend...

Even if I don't feel like showering, getting dressed, and packing up again, doing so is doing God's will. Showing up for life is doing God's will. It's as simple as that.

Learning More About Sponsorship

I learned more about sponsorship this year, that it is important to tell your sponsees the truth even if it hurts - especially if they ask for help in a particular area. Yes, they do need encouragement, but they also need to grow. If a sponsee tells you they are stuck and you believe you know why, you should tell them.

Yes, it is hard. We want people to like us and be our friends. But we don't want them to "die" spiritually by letting them stay in the dark about their own behavior. It is the one thing they can change - even past behavior by admitting they were wrong, making amends, and moving on. We as sponsors need to be responsible.

After all, where would we be, where would I be, if my sponsor hadn't asked me at the end of a two-day fifth step if I had any "coffin nails" - things that will kill me. Yes, I had, and when I shared it, my life changed. I needed that push to tell the truth, to get rid of the big secret that was keeping me sick.

And so I need to "push" my sponsees, and yet do it gently in God's time, not mine. More often than not, when I share the truth as I see it with a sponsee, they come back later and thank me. I tell them I'm just the messenger, and that I learned just as much as they have. This passing it on is how we keep our recovery. It is courage in action. I encourage you out there to tell each other the truth, but remember: Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.

Keep An Open Mind

Hello everyone. I've been blogging elsewhere but realized again last night how important it is to continue to share my Al-Anon story with anyone, anywhere, reaching out for help. We never know how our experience, strength, and hope (ESH) will touch others' lives. For example, I spoke at a speakers meeting last night. Honestly, I don't recall much of what I shared or the order of events in my story. I do know that my sponsor told me it was a good interweaving of my story and service work. And enough people told me it was a good talk, thanking me, that I must have spoken the words my Greater Power wanted me to speak.

I do remember talking about what I've learned recently about letting go and letting God, again, about letting go of trying to control my children was the first lesson I learned in Al-Anon. You see, we Al-Anons don't just try to control the alcoholics in our lives - we often try to control all the people, places, and things. That's what I was doing this fall. And I had gotten depressed over the whole situation, even angry at God that things weren't going my way. But God had a different plan than me, and it didn't unfold until I let go of the problem (or at least until my letting go let me see that God was working all along - my perception).

Then this week I was reading in some Al-Anon literature and read something "new" - that one of our slogans is "Keep An Open Mind" - it's even in our opening or closing. Even though I've been coming to meetings for a long, long time, and reading the literature, I had never really heard that slogan. How funny. We're just not ready until we are ready. So now my job is to figure out what "Keep An Open Mind" means for me. I do know that I come from a family that is extremely close-minded, and as such, so am I most of the time. It takes a long time for me to change my mind or learn a different side to the story.

The first opportunity I had for this was in my thirties when I started questioning my religion and certain beliefs that didn't make sense. I was in a class and the leader said that God loves us better than non-believers. My question was about God changing his love for us according to our actions if God stays the same. I was practically scolded and thus began my journey to find the God of my own understanding. That God, by the way, doesn't change. What does change is my concept of that God as I get to know Her better and better, as I let Her into my life and rely more and more on Her in my daily doings.

So "Keep An Open Mind" means, at this point in my recovery, to not put people, places, things , and God in box. Listen to others at a meeting, especially those you think are only rattling on and saying the same things week after week. You might just learn something. Something you don't know. No matter how long you've been going to meetings. Like I am learning this week, in this moment of time. It's one of those days that I have no plans after a very busy week. One of those uncomfortable places of asking my God to tell me what to do for Her today. So here I am, blogging again...

I Really Am Loved!

Sorry I've been gone from blogland. I was busy getting ready for my whole family of origin's visit. I wasted a lot of energy on what-ifs, you know, FEARs - Future Expectations Appearing Real. None of them really came true. The little things that were said or happened weren't that big, especially when I got my act - my head - my thoughts - together. When I realized that I had lost my serenity, that all I needed to do was say the Serenity Prayer, the God of my understanding took away my negative thoughts and the weekend went well.

That was two weeks ago. This last weekend was the complete opposite. I went to our state's Weekend-In-Al-Anon and heard over and over from people, in their words, smiles, and hugs, that they loved me. I didn't believe them, I never do, because those tapes from my childhood are huge, that I'm not loved, not even liked. But there was an exercise where the whole group whispered affirmations in each others' ears which made me, for the first time, feel truly loved. I need to remember that feeling - that it made me believe it, really, for the first time in my life.

God, let me never again dismiss it when someone tells me they love me or appreciate me, or when someone compliments me or gives me a hug. Let me remember that though my parents don't seem to have the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved as a child or adult, other people do and there are many more of them than in my family of origin. Thank you for my new family as well as for my spouse and the gift of sobriety in my home. Thank you for your love.

Amen.

Amends are for Yourself

I goofed last night. Before we went out to dinner and shopping, I put the dog in the backyard. Usually she does her thing and then lets herself in via the dog door.

But yesterday afternoon, I had closed the gates on the deck when my granddaughter was visiting, so the dog had spent the evening waiting for us to open a gate for her.

To make it worse, it was pouring rain! Talk about needing to make amends, or at least a 10th step!

In this case, however, I hadn't intentionally hurt my dog. It was by sheer forgetfulness. Yet, I felt guilty and went from giving her extra snacks and chicken soup to wrapping her in towels and then blankets. I expected her to snuggle up on the couch; instead, she lay at my feet and went to sleep, as if nothing had happened.

When we went to bed, I let her lie on my throw, which I never do, and she let me scratch her until I realized that she probably had no concept of my guilt or why I was spoiling her. She was just enjoying the extra attention. She had forgiven me the moment we'd opened the gate for her.

When I realized this, I knew that I had made amends to her, but what I had really done was alleviate my own guilt. That is what amends are for, first and foremost. We have no control over the reaction or response of the "amendee." Some are forgiving, others are not. It should not matter.

What does matter is that we make things right to the best of our ability, even when we did not intentionally hurt someone, and in so doing find serenity and grow in our relationship with God as we understand him/her. Thank you, God, for my sweet little dog...

A Good Day

After a week of suffering physically, I gave in and went to the doctor yesterday. I took care of myself. So today, I'm feeling better. Plus I got a good long night's sleep. I took care of myself. I also got to babysit my granddaughter today. I also got to go out to dinner with my spouse and we didn't argue about anything. I took care of myself. So today was a good day. And now it is raining with the sun shining at the same time. I love fall and it is coming!

I remember thinking yesterday that summer will be here again in no time and how would I ever survive those long, hot months... talk about fearing the future, especially the uncontrollable like the weather! But that was yesterday when I was tired and not feeling good. I hadn't taken care of myself yet. But after I did, I had a good day. And I expect tomorrow will be a good day, too. Because you know what? It usually just depends on my attitude, my taking care of myself...

Taking Care of Myself?

What does this mean? Well, tonight it meant figuring out how to get past being angry at someone without giving in to them. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior but I do have to behave myself. "I" statements work best, so I said, "I will stop being angry with you if you promise to stop...." I know I had to get past my anger despite what the other person decided to do, but this was a way to ask for what I wanted and communicate without pointing my finger. We in Al-Anon have learned not to be doormats, but we've also learned to "say what we mean, mean what we say, without being mean," especially when someone seems to be saying mean things to us. We learn to take the high road without going to that place of judgement. We need to have compassion for others, but also for ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves because often we haven't been nurtured. And in this way we take care of ourselves and make amends to ourselves.

Announcing Al-Anon's e-CAL

Hi Everyone - I may decide to close this blog because there is a new way to share online and pass it on, through Al-Anon's website and e-CAL (electronic conference approved literature). I just finished sending a few items there, but of course, they have to go through the approval process. In the meantime, I'll try to come here more regularly because I know how much writing it down really helps me, whether anyone out there is reading it or not. Plus, as a writer who doesn't write, and who wants to begin writing again, it is a great place to warm up and practice my craft. So do let me know what you think about the new e-CAL. I think it is great that the WSO is using new technology to reach out to "anyone anywhere" effected by the disease of alcoholism in a relative or friend. Here's the link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/members/eCAL/new_run.html

Wouldn't It Be Nice!

I got this letter today that promises me all my wishes will come true, like winning a million dollars, my children will find love and success, I will lose weight, I will have more friends, I will be happy in my work, etc. etc. etc., and I only have to buy this special wish ring. Just $5 plus shipping and handling and following the instructions that come with it. Wow. What a promise. Unfortunately, there is no magic ring that will make my dreams come true. There is no "secret."

Instead, there is hard work, honesty, kindness, love, service, and prayer, yes, prayer, but not the kind that asks for material wealth and a perfect body. The kind that asks "only for God's will for us and the power to carry that out." This means to me that I shouldn't even be asking God for specific things for me or my children, rather simply for God's best for us and how may I be of use to God and others.

There are days God tells me to take care of myself, to be good to myself. For example, when I suffered some head trauma in a motorcycle accident, I needed extra rest. Without it, I wouldn't be good to anybody. In fact, I was acting like I used to before recovery, shooting off my mouth, blaming others for my unhappiness, making unnecessary demands on others, and being generally miserable. After a few days of rest and doing almost nothing, I felt better.

Now I am able to serve again and enjoy life again, even if there is no shortcut to losing weight and no magic spell to make sure my children find love and happiness. There is only God, love, forgiveness, and letting go. Oh, and putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next best thing, and suiting up and showing up. All the things we hear at meetings. They do work, unlike a so-called wish ring.

Gone But Not Gone...

Thank you for missing me. It's a nice feeling. I have been gone from blogging for a while, but I'm still working my program, going to meetings, doing service work, all the really important things. I've also been traveling and going to meetings in places like Rome, Greece, Prague, and Montana. Yes, I live a charmed life these days, but I still live with me and that can be a challenge. I was also in a motorcycle accident and am recuperating from a little head trauma - a great excuse, I've discovered, for my laziness (the doctor says I need to rest) and my motor mouth (speaking before thinking). So I have a lot of reasons for not blogging, but they just aren't good enough anymore, not when other people are suffering from the effects of someone else's drinking. We are in this together, so I'm here to extend a helping hand...

TODAY'S EPIPHANY: Along with new countertops we just got a new sink, so I spent a week searching for the perfect sink protectors like I had for my old sink. Alas, I couldn't find any anywhere that worked, not even online. Then I bit the bullet and went to WalMart, thinking it would serve me right if I found what I needed because I've spent years refusing to shop there for political reasons. Even though WalMart has heard the outcries from the people and changed some of its methods, I continued to nurse my resentments against IT and other giant corporations that have done ME wrong. Well, you guessed it. I found the perfect sink protectors at WalMart, along with some other nifty accessories, and all for a good price. So I was thinking today as I was enjoying my new sink that I bet I've missed a lot of life's gifts while avoiding those people, places, and things I hold grudges against. Like the program friend who once, just once, spoke to me about her religion. And, well, there are a lot of examples. I really am my own worst enemy. God, Just for Today, help me to let go of all my resentments so I can truly enjoy the blessings life has to offer. Amen.

I Learned Something Old Today

Once again, I have not been posting. Probably because I haven't had much to share, even though I always seem to open my mouth at meetings :-)

Anyway, this morning I wrote something in my 4th Step Journal, Al-Anon's "Blueprint for Progress," that emphasized once again what is and has been true for me for a long time:

That most of my outward life depends on my inner life.

In our meeting format, we read that we can find happiness and contentment whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I found this to be true, having found joy in my life long before my spouse got sober.

Likewise, I can be unhappy or discontent even with a sober spouse who is working a good program and being good to me. I've always been in charge of how I react rather than respond to life. Most of it does come down to my attitude.

May you find serenity tonight and tomorrow just for the asking...

Where Have I Been?

First, I want to thank those of you who have reminded me that I've been gone from my blog for six weeks.... I've been busy, but I didn't think that much time had gone by. So I apologize to anyone who used to read me faithfully. It's as if I haven't been showing up to my meetings, although that I've been doing. So I'm doing okay, just lots going on.

So where have I been? I've been to Montana in a blizzard and to Arizona in a dust storm (although honestly I thought I was on Mars for a while there - see photo). I've been to my first Area Assembly as an officer. I've been contemplating my spouse's imminent retirement and our soon-to-be new role as grandparents. I've been quitting my own business and selling lots of technology etc. on eBay. So there you have them, my excuses for not blogging. I've just been otherwise consumed.

Hopefully, I will get back on a schedule of sharing my ESH (experience, strength, hope) with all of you out there. For now, Just for Today, I am Happy, Joyouse, and Free, and Life is Good.