My Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season, so I've been out there enjoying the weather as well as being extra busy with my volunteer work. Oh, how I wish I could just stop time right now and capture this season in a bottle. Yet I can't control the seasons anymore than I can control what's going on in the world. This is a lesson I learned from trying to control the disease of alcoholism, or at least the person with the disease. A lot of those years were certainly a waste of time and energy. If I could only get them back... but regret is also a useless feeling. It does me no good unless it drives me to make amends. Once those amends are made, it is time to move on. Only in this way can I continue to make living amends to others, to myself, and to the world around me. When I am positive, first by loving and forgiving myself, I can more easily forgive the imperfections I see not only in others but in systems and institutions. If I can forgive man in general, then I can "forgive" nature for not always providing the perfect weather. When I do that, I am accepting what is, and I am better able to fully enjoy what is. So off I go again. May your fall be blessed.

As Simple As A Schedule...

I've been to a lot of meetings this month on the first step, on being powerless over alcohol plus people, places, and things - on my life being unmanagable when I try to control the disease of alcoholism and anything else that is beyond my control. However, the Serenity Prayer tells me that there are things I can change, I just need the wisdom to know what they are. It's not that I have no control over anything.

So this morning when I was feeling "scattered" because I had things I wanted to do today, rather than things I had to do at a specific time, I decided I would write those things down and make a schedule for myself. Suddenly, I felt in control, realizing that I could get everything done and have time to relax a little, too. Writing down times next to items like "checking my email" and "blogging" seemed a bit trivial, but guess what, it worked.

It reminded me of something my mom did a long time ago that I thought silly. She made herself a little schedule for each day which included important things to her like "read the Bible and pray" along with obvious things like "eat breakfast." But now that I'm more or less retired and the kids are raised, my days easily get away from me and that makes me feel out of control. Writing down a schedule seemed to work, just for today.

By the way, almost immediately, my daughter and I made plans to go to the mall to find her a new outfit for interviews on Monday. That wasn't in my schedule, but there's nothing wrong with being flexible. I still got my errands and laundry done, and now I'm blogging. In a few minutes, I will go to the gym. Oh, our dinner plans got cancelled, so shopping and lunch with my daughter was my social life today.

I can't believe that such a little thing like writing down a schedule gave my day some order, and me serenity. I could have done what I so often do on these "free" days and run around in circles getting very little done and then wondering where the time went. Thank you, God. I'm still learning.

I AM POWERLESS

Even when the alcoholic is sober and you're surrounded by loving, mostly functional family, something happens that reminds you that you're not in charge, you're powerless. Such a thing happened to me last night when I took the dog out for her late evening potty break.

SHE WOULDN'T GO! Even though she's gone lots of time for me travelling in all kinds of weather and on all kinds of soil with or without grass, with or without weeds, including gravel. But for some reason, the dirt around my mother-in-law's brand new house and neighborhood is so sterile that my dog can't find one place suitable to leave her mark.

SO I GOT ANGRY WITH HER! So much so that I just about wrung her neck along with using a few choice four-letter words. I thought about throwing her in her crate in the car and letting her just try to keep warm, knowing full well she'd probably freeze with the temperature in the teens. Instead, I pulled her back into the house and asked my husband what to do. He told me what he had done earlier that day.

SO I DROVE HER TO SOME LAWN! That worked, but my dog didn't understand why she didn't get her snack. When I got back, I told my husband that had to be the dumbest thing I've ever had to do for our dog. I'd flown to another state to pick her up when we adopted her. I take her to daycare at least once a week. I've paid several vet bills nearing $1000 each. I let her sleep on my bed. I mix her wet food with her dry food, along with her medicine every night.

BUT THIS WAS CROSSING THE LINE! I was so riled up last night that it took me a good hour and a funny book to settle down. Plus I woke up this morning with one of my "anger hangovers" and have been in a bad mood all day. And my dog has no idea why I'm at a cozy coffee shop and she's shut up in her crate in the cold car. My behavior hasn't changed her behavior one bit. She'll continue to not want to go in the dirt and I'll have to drive her to suitable grass.

I AM POWERLESS OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, AND DOGS! But I'm not powerless over my attitude. Right now, on this sunny though cold and windy afternoon, I can enjoy my Chai tea and let go of my anger by blogging. It's almost as good as calling my sponsor or going to a meeting. I did tell my mother-in-law this morning what a dumb thing I had to do last night for the dog. She laughed and said that's a good story. Yes, it is, and it will be funnier as time goes by. In the meantime, in a few minutes, I need to take my dog to some lawn...

Keep An Open Mind

Hello everyone. I've been blogging elsewhere but realized again last night how important it is to continue to share my Al-Anon story with anyone, anywhere, reaching out for help. We never know how our experience, strength, and hope (ESH) will touch others' lives. For example, I spoke at a speakers meeting last night. Honestly, I don't recall much of what I shared or the order of events in my story. I do know that my sponsor told me it was a good interweaving of my story and service work. And enough people told me it was a good talk, thanking me, that I must have spoken the words my Greater Power wanted me to speak.

I do remember talking about what I've learned recently about letting go and letting God, again, about letting go of trying to control my children was the first lesson I learned in Al-Anon. You see, we Al-Anons don't just try to control the alcoholics in our lives - we often try to control all the people, places, and things. That's what I was doing this fall. And I had gotten depressed over the whole situation, even angry at God that things weren't going my way. But God had a different plan than me, and it didn't unfold until I let go of the problem (or at least until my letting go let me see that God was working all along - my perception).

Then this week I was reading in some Al-Anon literature and read something "new" - that one of our slogans is "Keep An Open Mind" - it's even in our opening or closing. Even though I've been coming to meetings for a long, long time, and reading the literature, I had never really heard that slogan. How funny. We're just not ready until we are ready. So now my job is to figure out what "Keep An Open Mind" means for me. I do know that I come from a family that is extremely close-minded, and as such, so am I most of the time. It takes a long time for me to change my mind or learn a different side to the story.

The first opportunity I had for this was in my thirties when I started questioning my religion and certain beliefs that didn't make sense. I was in a class and the leader said that God loves us better than non-believers. My question was about God changing his love for us according to our actions if God stays the same. I was practically scolded and thus began my journey to find the God of my own understanding. That God, by the way, doesn't change. What does change is my concept of that God as I get to know Her better and better, as I let Her into my life and rely more and more on Her in my daily doings.

So "Keep An Open Mind" means, at this point in my recovery, to not put people, places, things , and God in box. Listen to others at a meeting, especially those you think are only rattling on and saying the same things week after week. You might just learn something. Something you don't know. No matter how long you've been going to meetings. Like I am learning this week, in this moment of time. It's one of those days that I have no plans after a very busy week. One of those uncomfortable places of asking my God to tell me what to do for Her today. So here I am, blogging again...