The First Step

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

I am back to step one today and have been for some time, although I've gone through the twelve steps of Al-Anon many times. It's not a bad thing to realize, once again, that I am powerless, not just over alcohol but people, places, and things.

Just for today, I am powerless over an alcoholic in my life. She is a dear friend and has been sober for over two decades, but that doesn't mean she is completely well. She is no more cured of her disease than I am of mine.

What is the alcoholic's disease besides the obvious? One defect of character many alcoholics share is self-importance. Al-Anons on the other hand feel "less than."

So what can happen when the alcoholic gets on her "high horse"? If I am not in an especially good place, for whatever reason, I can easily get "triggered" into feelings of not being good enough. I feel judged, even unloved, and want to either get angry or run away - the "fight or flight" syndrome.

But what Al-Anon has taught me is to not react, instead to reason it out with a trusted friend or my sponsor and, above all, pray. And to remember that I am powerless over the other person's behavior. For now, I can just accept that I'm aware of my feelings in response to another person.

What a concept: I don't have to "break up" with my friend or call them to have a long, drawn-out conversation about everything that has ever gone on between us and what they did or didn't do, blah, blah, blah (which would probably end the relationship).

I can remember that by thinking I can control another person or situation, my life becomes unmanageable. Thus, I need to stop trying to control others, which includes thinking I can control others. The only means I have to do that is to give it over to God.

One of the first slogans I learned in Al-Anon was "Let go and let God." It helped me in those early days when I was living with active alcoholism. It can help me today when I deal with sober alcoholics who aren't always as loving and giving a I think they should be.

The first step, just for today, means "let go and let God."

As Simple As A Schedule...

I've been to a lot of meetings this month on the first step, on being powerless over alcohol plus people, places, and things - on my life being unmanagable when I try to control the disease of alcoholism and anything else that is beyond my control. However, the Serenity Prayer tells me that there are things I can change, I just need the wisdom to know what they are. It's not that I have no control over anything.

So this morning when I was feeling "scattered" because I had things I wanted to do today, rather than things I had to do at a specific time, I decided I would write those things down and make a schedule for myself. Suddenly, I felt in control, realizing that I could get everything done and have time to relax a little, too. Writing down times next to items like "checking my email" and "blogging" seemed a bit trivial, but guess what, it worked.

It reminded me of something my mom did a long time ago that I thought silly. She made herself a little schedule for each day which included important things to her like "read the Bible and pray" along with obvious things like "eat breakfast." But now that I'm more or less retired and the kids are raised, my days easily get away from me and that makes me feel out of control. Writing down a schedule seemed to work, just for today.

By the way, almost immediately, my daughter and I made plans to go to the mall to find her a new outfit for interviews on Monday. That wasn't in my schedule, but there's nothing wrong with being flexible. I still got my errands and laundry done, and now I'm blogging. In a few minutes, I will go to the gym. Oh, our dinner plans got cancelled, so shopping and lunch with my daughter was my social life today.

I can't believe that such a little thing like writing down a schedule gave my day some order, and me serenity. I could have done what I so often do on these "free" days and run around in circles getting very little done and then wondering where the time went. Thank you, God. I'm still learning.

I AM POWERLESS

Even when the alcoholic is sober and you're surrounded by loving, mostly functional family, something happens that reminds you that you're not in charge, you're powerless. Such a thing happened to me last night when I took the dog out for her late evening potty break.

SHE WOULDN'T GO! Even though she's gone lots of time for me travelling in all kinds of weather and on all kinds of soil with or without grass, with or without weeds, including gravel. But for some reason, the dirt around my mother-in-law's brand new house and neighborhood is so sterile that my dog can't find one place suitable to leave her mark.

SO I GOT ANGRY WITH HER! So much so that I just about wrung her neck along with using a few choice four-letter words. I thought about throwing her in her crate in the car and letting her just try to keep warm, knowing full well she'd probably freeze with the temperature in the teens. Instead, I pulled her back into the house and asked my husband what to do. He told me what he had done earlier that day.

SO I DROVE HER TO SOME LAWN! That worked, but my dog didn't understand why she didn't get her snack. When I got back, I told my husband that had to be the dumbest thing I've ever had to do for our dog. I'd flown to another state to pick her up when we adopted her. I take her to daycare at least once a week. I've paid several vet bills nearing $1000 each. I let her sleep on my bed. I mix her wet food with her dry food, along with her medicine every night.

BUT THIS WAS CROSSING THE LINE! I was so riled up last night that it took me a good hour and a funny book to settle down. Plus I woke up this morning with one of my "anger hangovers" and have been in a bad mood all day. And my dog has no idea why I'm at a cozy coffee shop and she's shut up in her crate in the cold car. My behavior hasn't changed her behavior one bit. She'll continue to not want to go in the dirt and I'll have to drive her to suitable grass.

I AM POWERLESS OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, AND DOGS! But I'm not powerless over my attitude. Right now, on this sunny though cold and windy afternoon, I can enjoy my Chai tea and let go of my anger by blogging. It's almost as good as calling my sponsor or going to a meeting. I did tell my mother-in-law this morning what a dumb thing I had to do last night for the dog. She laughed and said that's a good story. Yes, it is, and it will be funnier as time goes by. In the meantime, in a few minutes, I need to take my dog to some lawn...