Checking In With My Sponsor

I might have more than two decades of Al-Anon under my ever-expanding waistline, but that doesn't mean I can go it alone, especially around the holidays. I might have seven sponsees who come to me for advice and wisdom, but that doesn't mean I have it made, especially around the holidays. The holidays can be hard enough for normal people, but for those of us who grew up with alcoholism or untreated Al-Anon parents and then married alcoholics, well, we have an especially hard time. We don't have good memories to give us those great expectations, yet we still have great expectations. Then when things aren't turning out like we'd like, such as our own adult children not wanting to hang out with us or even each other, we are more than disappointed, we can become devastated. So when I was feeling badly about the the lack of a big, happy family Christmas, I knew I needed a shot of reality. It didn't matter that it snowed a foot today and the roads were bad, even treacherous. I needed to visit my sponsor face-to-face. She gives me the encouragement I need, the reminder of how much I have to be grateful for, such as grandchildren that I will see on Christmas. If it weren't for Al-Anon, I wouldn't get to see my grandchildren. If it weren't for my sponsor's unconditional love, I might not even be alive to know my grandchildren. And yet here I am, passing on that same unconditional love not only to my family the best way I know how now, but I get to pass it on to sponsees and to all of you. So happy holidays, everyone! May your new year be filled with meetings and your continual recovery in the Al-Anon program. If you haven't gone to a meeting yet, this is the perfect time of year to try one. You'll find you're not alone in your dealings with alcoholism. It might just be the best gift you can give yourself :-)

Alcoholism - A Killer Disease

My Saturday Al-Anon group was reminded again that alcoholism is a disease that kills. A member shared that her spouse had died. I don't know why we were shocked, but it so seldom happens because most of us have loved ones in recovery. But it could have happened in my life and it still could. I need to be grateful again for recovery, mine as well as others.

It's hard for me to understand that alcoholism is a disease. After all, it's treatment is mostly spiritual rather than with medications or chemotherapy. It is unlike cancer which a close family member is now battling. We don't expect her to get herself to all her doctor and chemo appointments while taking care of children and household chores. Instead, we are willing and able to assist in any way we can. We believe this will help her get better.

With the alcoholics, however, we have had to detach with love and not enable them by trying to fix them or the consequences of their drinking. In the past, this kind of help has only prolonged the disease, keeping them from hitting their bottoms and getting the real help they need. We have had to let go and let God and take care of ourselves, which is the best way to be prepared when the alcoholics ask for help.

We still need to be cautious that we only do for them what they can't do for themselves and what the God of our understanding asks of us. Often this is simply encouraging them in their recovery and spending more time alone while they go to meetings and take on service positions. One of the best ways I've dealt with this aspect is to do my own service work, including positions and sponsoring. This almost always works to get me out of self-pity and the blame game.

After all, I don't blame my loved one for having cancer. I just accept it and take care of myself so I am able to help when I am asked. In this way, dealing with the two diseases is the same. If I let myself go to pot, I'm no good to anybody. I practice "live and let live" so I don't push my opinions on anyone or hover unnecessarily. And sometimes I have to say "no" because I have made another commitment or simply need to have some fun.

My God doesn't expect me to do it all or do it all alone. I also have to ask for help. It's exhausting to deal with someone else's life-threatening disease. Right now, for example, I caught a virus and am still recovering from a secondary infection. I've had to let my housework go and say "yes" to activities that get me out in the sun and out of my head. I've had to take life one day at a time, never knowing from day to day how I will feel or what will be asked of me.

In this way, I know that God will give me the courage and strength I need to do his/her will just for today. I need not go into the future, worrying about someone dying. Neither need I go into the past, regretting my past behavior or thinking about all the woulda, coulda, shouldas. Right now, in this moment, all is well. I'm feeling better. My sick loved one is having a good day. And my spouse is sober. It is easy to have an attitude of gratitude.

It helps me to remember how fragile life is and how much our 12-step programs have helped us hang on to the gift of life. Help me, God, to never forget that alcoholism, like cancer, is a deadly disease.

My Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season, so I've been out there enjoying the weather as well as being extra busy with my volunteer work. Oh, how I wish I could just stop time right now and capture this season in a bottle. Yet I can't control the seasons anymore than I can control what's going on in the world. This is a lesson I learned from trying to control the disease of alcoholism, or at least the person with the disease. A lot of those years were certainly a waste of time and energy. If I could only get them back... but regret is also a useless feeling. It does me no good unless it drives me to make amends. Once those amends are made, it is time to move on. Only in this way can I continue to make living amends to others, to myself, and to the world around me. When I am positive, first by loving and forgiving myself, I can more easily forgive the imperfections I see not only in others but in systems and institutions. If I can forgive man in general, then I can "forgive" nature for not always providing the perfect weather. When I do that, I am accepting what is, and I am better able to fully enjoy what is. So off I go again. May your fall be blessed.

As Simple As A Schedule...

I've been to a lot of meetings this month on the first step, on being powerless over alcohol plus people, places, and things - on my life being unmanagable when I try to control the disease of alcoholism and anything else that is beyond my control. However, the Serenity Prayer tells me that there are things I can change, I just need the wisdom to know what they are. It's not that I have no control over anything.

So this morning when I was feeling "scattered" because I had things I wanted to do today, rather than things I had to do at a specific time, I decided I would write those things down and make a schedule for myself. Suddenly, I felt in control, realizing that I could get everything done and have time to relax a little, too. Writing down times next to items like "checking my email" and "blogging" seemed a bit trivial, but guess what, it worked.

It reminded me of something my mom did a long time ago that I thought silly. She made herself a little schedule for each day which included important things to her like "read the Bible and pray" along with obvious things like "eat breakfast." But now that I'm more or less retired and the kids are raised, my days easily get away from me and that makes me feel out of control. Writing down a schedule seemed to work, just for today.

By the way, almost immediately, my daughter and I made plans to go to the mall to find her a new outfit for interviews on Monday. That wasn't in my schedule, but there's nothing wrong with being flexible. I still got my errands and laundry done, and now I'm blogging. In a few minutes, I will go to the gym. Oh, our dinner plans got cancelled, so shopping and lunch with my daughter was my social life today.

I can't believe that such a little thing like writing down a schedule gave my day some order, and me serenity. I could have done what I so often do on these "free" days and run around in circles getting very little done and then wondering where the time went. Thank you, God. I'm still learning.