The First Step

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

I am back to step one today and have been for some time, although I've gone through the twelve steps of Al-Anon many times. It's not a bad thing to realize, once again, that I am powerless, not just over alcohol but people, places, and things.

Just for today, I am powerless over an alcoholic in my life. She is a dear friend and has been sober for over two decades, but that doesn't mean she is completely well. She is no more cured of her disease than I am of mine.

What is the alcoholic's disease besides the obvious? One defect of character many alcoholics share is self-importance. Al-Anons on the other hand feel "less than."

So what can happen when the alcoholic gets on her "high horse"? If I am not in an especially good place, for whatever reason, I can easily get "triggered" into feelings of not being good enough. I feel judged, even unloved, and want to either get angry or run away - the "fight or flight" syndrome.

But what Al-Anon has taught me is to not react, instead to reason it out with a trusted friend or my sponsor and, above all, pray. And to remember that I am powerless over the other person's behavior. For now, I can just accept that I'm aware of my feelings in response to another person.

What a concept: I don't have to "break up" with my friend or call them to have a long, drawn-out conversation about everything that has ever gone on between us and what they did or didn't do, blah, blah, blah (which would probably end the relationship).

I can remember that by thinking I can control another person or situation, my life becomes unmanageable. Thus, I need to stop trying to control others, which includes thinking I can control others. The only means I have to do that is to give it over to God.

One of the first slogans I learned in Al-Anon was "Let go and let God." It helped me in those early days when I was living with active alcoholism. It can help me today when I deal with sober alcoholics who aren't always as loving and giving a I think they should be.

The first step, just for today, means "let go and let God."

Killing the Elephant

My blood father has come and gone and I am just now starting to regain my serenity, which to me is my goal in recovery. It turns out that the reason I was fearful of being alone with my father isn't for what he would say to me, but for what I would say to him -and how I would say it. The good thing that came out of his visit and a serious conversation we had one day was that I finally killed the elephant in the room.

That elephant was WHY? Why did you not visit me as a child? And why haven't you visited your grandchildren for 17 years? My father's answers are not as important as the fact that I asked the hard questions and then told him how I felt, both as a child whose father left and never came back and as an adult whose father only visited when it seemed convenient for him.

He was not appreciative of my bringing these things up, but the result was that I told him all was forgiven. I do not know where those words came from because I really did not feel forgiveness. However, I've been practicing forgiveness ever since - of my father but more importantly of myself for having been angry for so long and having expressed my feelings in an angry tone.

I'm learning to have compassion for myself - a little girl who was told to shut up, that her feelings did not matter; a young woman who was told to obey her husband (who was an alcoholic); and a middle-aged woman who believed that her relationships should never have any conflict ever again. I've been wrong about that last one. Conflict happens. It is how I deal with it that matters.

To tell you the truth, I did not deal with my father the way I wanted. I spoke louder and longer than necessary. Yet my voice was heard. He heard me. He said that I was hurt as a child. He said he was a good person who had done some very bad things. When I apologized for being so hard on him, he said he probably deserved it. Then I told him all was forgiven and hugged him. I also said that I was done talking about it.

The rest of our time together was a lot more relaxed because the elephant in the room was dead. It is a lot easier to be with others when there isn't a huge beast in the room. Even though I feel like I am still fumigating my world and needing extra rest and needing to talk a little longer in meetings and with program friends - I am regaining my serenity. I am accepting things for the way they were, what happened, and how things are today.

I am forgiving myself as well as both of my parents and my husband. I feel like I want to hold onto my original resentments because they are such an integral part of who I was most of my life. At least, God, let me have just a little resentment... but that's not how surrender works. I need to surrender 100%. It is time. I believe I am letting go and letting God, for good. I believe I am trusting the God of my understanding to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

I believe some of us have a harder time giving up our grudges. I am one of those people, even though I know they hold me back, they weigh me down. No longer. I'm asking God to remove them from me again, before they drag me back to that bitter, ugly person I was when I came into the program 20 years ago. I know it will happen. I've experienced this miracle before. I can feel them lifting and leaving in their wake SERENITY. Now I can get on with living my life.

Inventory Humor

So I went to clean out old files today, part of my "fall" cleaning. It had been on my mind for quite a while to get rid of all the files of an old client whom I "fired" a couple years ago (part of taking care of myself). Funny thing is that I had already purged my drawer of said old files. And to think that I spent all that energy thinking about those files when they had already been shredded. Guess I hadn't really given that old client to God after all, at least not until today!

Step 6 - A State of Being

Someone asked today where I've been. To tell you the truth, I've been spending a lot of time on the couch with an icebag on my head. I got that flu bug that's been going around, plus I've been "working" Step 6. You ask, what do those two things have in common? Well, when you get the flu, you often have no choice but to rest.

I noticed the other day in a Step 6 meeting that it is the only Step that is NOT an action - "were entirely ready" is more a state of being. When I get to Step 6, I've already taken a lot of action, and although I'm relieved, I am also exhausted. It is now God's turn to show me just how bad my character defects are - just how sick I am - before I can move on to Step 7.

So this state of being is a lot like having the flu. I ache all over, am nauseous, and feel weak and out of sorts. After a while, I am sick of being sick. Because the flu is a virus, there is no pill I can take to cure it. I simply have to wait it out along with taking extra care of myself. I have to learn to let go of trying to fix myself and let God take over.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that I have to stop trying to analyze it and just accept it. This is how it is and there is nothing I can do, no action I can take, no power I can demonstrate, that is going to change it. Eventually I learn that all I can do is be willing to be willing. I've tried on my own to change myself and it hasn't worked.

It's as if I've tried to cure the flu by making myself vomit. It may make me feel better temporarily, but it doesn't make the flu go away. In fact, it may make it worse by dehydrating me. What I resist will persist. I have to stop fighting and rest, rest in the knowledge that God will relieve me of my symptoms when the time is right. I can't rush it.

So that's where I've been. Resting - letting myself be "entirely ready." I wish I could say I'm all better, that it has passed. But the bug as well as my character defects still linger. Soon I will be able to move on to Step 7 where I can once again take action and ask God to actually remove my character defects rather than just amplify them so I become very willing to let them go.

Until then, I can trust the process.

Keep An Open Mind

Hello everyone. I've been blogging elsewhere but realized again last night how important it is to continue to share my Al-Anon story with anyone, anywhere, reaching out for help. We never know how our experience, strength, and hope (ESH) will touch others' lives. For example, I spoke at a speakers meeting last night. Honestly, I don't recall much of what I shared or the order of events in my story. I do know that my sponsor told me it was a good interweaving of my story and service work. And enough people told me it was a good talk, thanking me, that I must have spoken the words my Greater Power wanted me to speak.

I do remember talking about what I've learned recently about letting go and letting God, again, about letting go of trying to control my children was the first lesson I learned in Al-Anon. You see, we Al-Anons don't just try to control the alcoholics in our lives - we often try to control all the people, places, and things. That's what I was doing this fall. And I had gotten depressed over the whole situation, even angry at God that things weren't going my way. But God had a different plan than me, and it didn't unfold until I let go of the problem (or at least until my letting go let me see that God was working all along - my perception).

Then this week I was reading in some Al-Anon literature and read something "new" - that one of our slogans is "Keep An Open Mind" - it's even in our opening or closing. Even though I've been coming to meetings for a long, long time, and reading the literature, I had never really heard that slogan. How funny. We're just not ready until we are ready. So now my job is to figure out what "Keep An Open Mind" means for me. I do know that I come from a family that is extremely close-minded, and as such, so am I most of the time. It takes a long time for me to change my mind or learn a different side to the story.

The first opportunity I had for this was in my thirties when I started questioning my religion and certain beliefs that didn't make sense. I was in a class and the leader said that God loves us better than non-believers. My question was about God changing his love for us according to our actions if God stays the same. I was practically scolded and thus began my journey to find the God of my own understanding. That God, by the way, doesn't change. What does change is my concept of that God as I get to know Her better and better, as I let Her into my life and rely more and more on Her in my daily doings.

So "Keep An Open Mind" means, at this point in my recovery, to not put people, places, things , and God in box. Listen to others at a meeting, especially those you think are only rattling on and saying the same things week after week. You might just learn something. Something you don't know. No matter how long you've been going to meetings. Like I am learning this week, in this moment of time. It's one of those days that I have no plans after a very busy week. One of those uncomfortable places of asking my God to tell me what to do for Her today. So here I am, blogging again...