Step 6 - A State of Being

Someone asked today where I've been. To tell you the truth, I've been spending a lot of time on the couch with an icebag on my head. I got that flu bug that's been going around, plus I've been "working" Step 6. You ask, what do those two things have in common? Well, when you get the flu, you often have no choice but to rest.

I noticed the other day in a Step 6 meeting that it is the only Step that is NOT an action - "were entirely ready" is more a state of being. When I get to Step 6, I've already taken a lot of action, and although I'm relieved, I am also exhausted. It is now God's turn to show me just how bad my character defects are - just how sick I am - before I can move on to Step 7.

So this state of being is a lot like having the flu. I ache all over, am nauseous, and feel weak and out of sorts. After a while, I am sick of being sick. Because the flu is a virus, there is no pill I can take to cure it. I simply have to wait it out along with taking extra care of myself. I have to learn to let go of trying to fix myself and let God take over.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that I have to stop trying to analyze it and just accept it. This is how it is and there is nothing I can do, no action I can take, no power I can demonstrate, that is going to change it. Eventually I learn that all I can do is be willing to be willing. I've tried on my own to change myself and it hasn't worked.

It's as if I've tried to cure the flu by making myself vomit. It may make me feel better temporarily, but it doesn't make the flu go away. In fact, it may make it worse by dehydrating me. What I resist will persist. I have to stop fighting and rest, rest in the knowledge that God will relieve me of my symptoms when the time is right. I can't rush it.

So that's where I've been. Resting - letting myself be "entirely ready." I wish I could say I'm all better, that it has passed. But the bug as well as my character defects still linger. Soon I will be able to move on to Step 7 where I can once again take action and ask God to actually remove my character defects rather than just amplify them so I become very willing to let them go.

Until then, I can trust the process.

Dealing with Depression

Along with being an Al-Anon, I fight depression. Not the kind that comes from dealing with alcoholism and other family/relationship dysfunctions, but the kind that comes from an inherited chemical imbalance. I can usually tell when it's coming, and more often than not, I usually just have to let it, because I know that "This too shall pass." I am powerless.

That doesn't mean that I need to become depression's victim, letting it drag me down to despair and complete escapism. Instead, I recognize it, do what I can do to alleviate its symptoms, and leave the results to time. I know, for example, that some physical exercise will help, even though my brain tells me to crawl back into bed or onto the couch. I also know that getting out of the house will help, to be out in the world even though I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. So I plan on going somewhere, even if it's the grocery store. I go through the motions of normalcy and these help.

It also helps to make a gratitude list as well as list my good qualities. This is not a good time to do a 6th step, dredging up my character defects. That list, when I'm depressed, is already present in my mind and much longer than the one my sponsor and I made during my last 5th step. In fact, during my last 5th step, my sponsor also made me list 10 good character traits. She said it was like pulling teeth because I've spent so much time in my life letting depression get the best of me.

And since that 5th step, my Greater Power has been showing me that I am indeed lovable and worthy of love, and I have many people in my life who not only love me, but like me as well. In fact, just writing this post is helping me realize that. I'm already feeling better because I'm doing something positive. I am taking part in changing my attitude and something is clicking inside my brain. Everything may not be okay, but I will be okay. I've probably been through the worst of it this morning (after a week of knowing it was coming) and like fog, my depression will lift as the day goes on...

If I let it, if I "Let Go and Let God."