A Month of 10th Steps

I thought I was working the 2nd Step this month, but it turns out I'm working the 10th Step, having had to make five as-soon-as-possible amends. I use the word "had" because if I did not, I would lose my serenity, which is the goal of my Al-Anon program.

With making my 10th Step amends, I have figured out the character defect I've been practicing that results in needing to do 10th Steps. It is dishonesty. But more important, why am I dishonest in the first place, especially when I have nothing to hide?

Both my sponsor and a sponsee asked me the same question: why do you feel the need to lie to make yourself look or feel better? The answer is that I'm still learning to love and approve of myself, my big lesson of last year. I guess this year I need to practice unconditional love for myself. Here is a quote from Hope for Today, Feb. 23rd, page 54, that contains the solution:

"No longer do I expect to be perfect, and I don't hide away in isolation for fear of having my imperfections discovered. Neither do I easily give away the precious, vulnerable parts of myself; I wait until I deem the other person trustworthy enough to receive me with love."

In other words, I am not ashamed of my humanity. But at the same time, I am careful whom I share my faults and errors with, through Step 5, Step 9, and Step 10. And I am careful not to harm myself as well as someone else when I make my amends, as it states in Step 9. I check in with my Greater Power and sometimes my sponsor, depending on the gravity of the situation.

The important thing I've learned is that I love myself enough to make amends because when I do, and when I give the results to God, I am given the priceless gift of serenity. I don't just feel this myself. Others can see it, or so I was told at an Al-Anon business meeting this last weekend. What a nice compliment to my program and my sponsor's relentless reminding that my goal is indeed serenity.

Dealing with Depression

Along with being an Al-Anon, I fight depression. Not the kind that comes from dealing with alcoholism and other family/relationship dysfunctions, but the kind that comes from an inherited chemical imbalance. I can usually tell when it's coming, and more often than not, I usually just have to let it, because I know that "This too shall pass." I am powerless.

That doesn't mean that I need to become depression's victim, letting it drag me down to despair and complete escapism. Instead, I recognize it, do what I can do to alleviate its symptoms, and leave the results to time. I know, for example, that some physical exercise will help, even though my brain tells me to crawl back into bed or onto the couch. I also know that getting out of the house will help, to be out in the world even though I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. So I plan on going somewhere, even if it's the grocery store. I go through the motions of normalcy and these help.

It also helps to make a gratitude list as well as list my good qualities. This is not a good time to do a 6th step, dredging up my character defects. That list, when I'm depressed, is already present in my mind and much longer than the one my sponsor and I made during my last 5th step. In fact, during my last 5th step, my sponsor also made me list 10 good character traits. She said it was like pulling teeth because I've spent so much time in my life letting depression get the best of me.

And since that 5th step, my Greater Power has been showing me that I am indeed lovable and worthy of love, and I have many people in my life who not only love me, but like me as well. In fact, just writing this post is helping me realize that. I'm already feeling better because I'm doing something positive. I am taking part in changing my attitude and something is clicking inside my brain. Everything may not be okay, but I will be okay. I've probably been through the worst of it this morning (after a week of knowing it was coming) and like fog, my depression will lift as the day goes on...

If I let it, if I "Let Go and Let God."