Step 9 Spiritual Awakenings, Numbers 1 and 2

Number 1: After a long spiritual drought over the summer, or so it felt, I learned something new while working Step 9 in September – that my amends to my blood father need only be that I forgive him, period. This does not require that I call him or write him, for direct contact with him usually ends with my being harmed.

This goes well with making amends to myself, that I forgive and love myself first and foremost. Forgiveness, I learned early on in the program, does not mean saying that a behavior was okay, for that is often not the case. Forgiveness instead is letting go of a resentment. We do this for our own serenity which my sponsor tells me is my ultimate goal.

Until this spiritual awakening, that all I need do is forgive (in this particular case), I was having a great deal of trouble understanding how I could feel serene while trying to have a relationship with someone who abandoned me as a child and has continued to repeat that behavior for the last 50 years. Why would I expose myself to someone's abuse if I love myself?

The answer is I wouldn't, and shouldn't.

Number 2: I also learned what loving myself really means - my second spiritual awakening this fall. I'm someone who has fought depression ever since my father first left me. I wrote poetry about death and thought about suicide long before my teen years. That or anger was where I went whenever I experienced the emotional pain of rejection, real or imagined.

I was going there again this fall so used the tools I have learned to keep myself afloat (besides taking medication). First was to have an “attitude of gratitude,” so I made a gratitude list. Okay, that helped me to stop the self-pity, to count my blessings. Second was to get some exercise and sunshine. That helped short-term, but the effects did not last long enough. So third, I thought about others and that I needed to stay alive for them. Anyone who has had a family member or friend commit suicide will tell you to think of others.

This is when I realized that I only felt good when I was either with others or had plans on a daily basis to be with someone else. Should someone cancel our plans, I would be devastated and wonder how I was going to make it through the day. It took me awhile to see this, since my old self felt better when I was alone because people often made me feel bad about myself. That's because my family of origin was non-supportive and I used to choose unhealthy relationships.

That's when it hit me, that if I was going to beat my depression, I was going to have to love myself enough to enjoy my own company. I needed to lose my dependency on others to feel good about me. In other words, staying alive for others was no longer working because it was only a temporary fix – I had to learn to stay alive for me! This is a radical change in my thinking and I have just begun to practice it.

Stay tuned for more blogging on this.

A Month of 10th Steps

I thought I was working the 2nd Step this month, but it turns out I'm working the 10th Step, having had to make five as-soon-as-possible amends. I use the word "had" because if I did not, I would lose my serenity, which is the goal of my Al-Anon program.

With making my 10th Step amends, I have figured out the character defect I've been practicing that results in needing to do 10th Steps. It is dishonesty. But more important, why am I dishonest in the first place, especially when I have nothing to hide?

Both my sponsor and a sponsee asked me the same question: why do you feel the need to lie to make yourself look or feel better? The answer is that I'm still learning to love and approve of myself, my big lesson of last year. I guess this year I need to practice unconditional love for myself. Here is a quote from Hope for Today, Feb. 23rd, page 54, that contains the solution:

"No longer do I expect to be perfect, and I don't hide away in isolation for fear of having my imperfections discovered. Neither do I easily give away the precious, vulnerable parts of myself; I wait until I deem the other person trustworthy enough to receive me with love."

In other words, I am not ashamed of my humanity. But at the same time, I am careful whom I share my faults and errors with, through Step 5, Step 9, and Step 10. And I am careful not to harm myself as well as someone else when I make my amends, as it states in Step 9. I check in with my Greater Power and sometimes my sponsor, depending on the gravity of the situation.

The important thing I've learned is that I love myself enough to make amends because when I do, and when I give the results to God, I am given the priceless gift of serenity. I don't just feel this myself. Others can see it, or so I was told at an Al-Anon business meeting this last weekend. What a nice compliment to my program and my sponsor's relentless reminding that my goal is indeed serenity.

Let It Begin with Me, Really

The slogan "Let It Begin with Me" usually refers to 12th Step work, but I’m using it right now to make amends to myself. I’m letting it begin with me by finally putting myself on my 8th Step list, something I’ve never done even though it has been recommended to me several times. I wish I had done it, but we work the program our own way in our own time. So I’m not going to beat myself up.

In fact, I’m going to stop beating myself up because that’s what I’ve been doing most of my life. It started in my childhood when I was told I wasn’t good enough, that I was just like my alcoholic father, and that no one would ever love me – and I believed it, all of it. So this amends to myself - to tell myself that I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am approved of – will be a lifelong endeavor.

And I’ve noticed something already. That when I’m starting to feel bad, either about myself or someone else, if I get back to thinking that God loves me, God forgives me, and God approves of me, I can change my mood. And when I change my mood or my attitude with those self-affirming thoughts, I change my persona. I actually become a different person because I’ve changed my core beliefs.

That doesn’t mean I change my personality, just how it comes across to the world. I am no longer the damaged little me who barely keeps her head above self-pity, criticism, and justification – running off any potential friends in the process. I become someone who is confident, tolerant, and receptive to others liking me. I am attractive because I love myself, I forgive myself, and I approve of myself.

Actually, when I become an attractive person, from the inside out, I am doing 12th Step work – attraction not promotion. So for me, “Let It Begin With Me” is about my recovery coming first before I can help others. That means I have to put myself first, which means I have to love myself. Although my sponsor has been working with me on this, my ah-ha moment came when I was seeking God’s will and read:

“When I learn to love myself as my Higher Power loves me, I believe I am doing God’s will.” (Courage to Change, page 206)

Although I still desire to be loved by many people and to have many friends, my sponsor reminds me that all I need is the love, forgiveness, and approval of God and myself. That is enough.

P.S. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself some here (see 2 posts ago) but this learning to love myself is a huge lesson for me and a long time coming. So it bears repeating again and again.

Amends are for Yourself

I goofed last night. Before we went out to dinner and shopping, I put the dog in the backyard. Usually she does her thing and then lets herself in via the dog door.

But yesterday afternoon, I had closed the gates on the deck when my granddaughter was visiting, so the dog had spent the evening waiting for us to open a gate for her.

To make it worse, it was pouring rain! Talk about needing to make amends, or at least a 10th step!

In this case, however, I hadn't intentionally hurt my dog. It was by sheer forgetfulness. Yet, I felt guilty and went from giving her extra snacks and chicken soup to wrapping her in towels and then blankets. I expected her to snuggle up on the couch; instead, she lay at my feet and went to sleep, as if nothing had happened.

When we went to bed, I let her lie on my throw, which I never do, and she let me scratch her until I realized that she probably had no concept of my guilt or why I was spoiling her. She was just enjoying the extra attention. She had forgiven me the moment we'd opened the gate for her.

When I realized this, I knew that I had made amends to her, but what I had really done was alleviate my own guilt. That is what amends are for, first and foremost. We have no control over the reaction or response of the "amendee." Some are forgiving, others are not. It should not matter.

What does matter is that we make things right to the best of our ability, even when we did not intentionally hurt someone, and in so doing find serenity and grow in our relationship with God as we understand him/her. Thank you, God, for my sweet little dog...