Lessons Learned in Service

I am so grateful for service work in Al-Anon. It is what we do after working the 12 Steps for our own recovery. It is part of the 12th Step to pass on our own experience, strength, and hope. But it is also how we keep our recovery going and don't slip back into old ways of thinking and behaving. I am grateful that I've had the opportunity to learn lessons in a safe environment.

I've learned how to communicate with others.

I've learned how to ask for help.

I've learned that I don't have to do it perfectly.

I've learned to show up and shut up.

I've learned that I can love someone with whom I disagree.

I've learned more tolerance for others in their struggles.

I've learned that keeping busy is sometimes the best way to stay out of someone else's business.

I've learned to let go of resentments, old ones as well as new ones.

I've learned to feel my emotions without letting them get the best of me.

I've learned patience with myself and others on this path of recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism.

I've learned that it's never too late to grow up, get out of myself, and stop pointing the finger of blame.

I've learned to not whine and stay away from Pity City, Pop. 1.

I've learned that I can love myself the same way others love me - I can really listen when they compliment me rather than just hear the constructive criticism.

I've learned that even a hopeless case that was me can become the person I was meant to be before I reacted negatively to my parents' behavior.

I've learned that I have always done the best I could, just as my parents did the best they could.

I've learned that the best way to live is to ask God each and every morning to let me be of service, even if some days that service is taking care of myself first and foremost.

Thank you for letting me share.

Let It Begin with Me, Really

The slogan "Let It Begin with Me" usually refers to 12th Step work, but I’m using it right now to make amends to myself. I’m letting it begin with me by finally putting myself on my 8th Step list, something I’ve never done even though it has been recommended to me several times. I wish I had done it, but we work the program our own way in our own time. So I’m not going to beat myself up.

In fact, I’m going to stop beating myself up because that’s what I’ve been doing most of my life. It started in my childhood when I was told I wasn’t good enough, that I was just like my alcoholic father, and that no one would ever love me – and I believed it, all of it. So this amends to myself - to tell myself that I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am approved of – will be a lifelong endeavor.

And I’ve noticed something already. That when I’m starting to feel bad, either about myself or someone else, if I get back to thinking that God loves me, God forgives me, and God approves of me, I can change my mood. And when I change my mood or my attitude with those self-affirming thoughts, I change my persona. I actually become a different person because I’ve changed my core beliefs.

That doesn’t mean I change my personality, just how it comes across to the world. I am no longer the damaged little me who barely keeps her head above self-pity, criticism, and justification – running off any potential friends in the process. I become someone who is confident, tolerant, and receptive to others liking me. I am attractive because I love myself, I forgive myself, and I approve of myself.

Actually, when I become an attractive person, from the inside out, I am doing 12th Step work – attraction not promotion. So for me, “Let It Begin With Me” is about my recovery coming first before I can help others. That means I have to put myself first, which means I have to love myself. Although my sponsor has been working with me on this, my ah-ha moment came when I was seeking God’s will and read:

“When I learn to love myself as my Higher Power loves me, I believe I am doing God’s will.” (Courage to Change, page 206)

Although I still desire to be loved by many people and to have many friends, my sponsor reminds me that all I need is the love, forgiveness, and approval of God and myself. That is enough.

P.S. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself some here (see 2 posts ago) but this learning to love myself is a huge lesson for me and a long time coming. So it bears repeating again and again.

Learning More About Sponsorship

I learned more about sponsorship this year, that it is important to tell your sponsees the truth even if it hurts - especially if they ask for help in a particular area. Yes, they do need encouragement, but they also need to grow. If a sponsee tells you they are stuck and you believe you know why, you should tell them.

Yes, it is hard. We want people to like us and be our friends. But we don't want them to "die" spiritually by letting them stay in the dark about their own behavior. It is the one thing they can change - even past behavior by admitting they were wrong, making amends, and moving on. We as sponsors need to be responsible.

After all, where would we be, where would I be, if my sponsor hadn't asked me at the end of a two-day fifth step if I had any "coffin nails" - things that will kill me. Yes, I had, and when I shared it, my life changed. I needed that push to tell the truth, to get rid of the big secret that was keeping me sick.

And so I need to "push" my sponsees, and yet do it gently in God's time, not mine. More often than not, when I share the truth as I see it with a sponsee, they come back later and thank me. I tell them I'm just the messenger, and that I learned just as much as they have. This passing it on is how we keep our recovery. It is courage in action. I encourage you out there to tell each other the truth, but remember: Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.