Why Do A 10th Step?

So why is it so important to do a 10th step? (Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.) Can't we let some things just slide by? After all, we aren't expected to be perfect in our recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism. However, as my sponsor tells me, my goal is serenity and if I don't keep my side of the street clean, I lose my serenity. I realized yesterday that something was amiss. I was suddenly gossiping about a person in the program to several people - the very person I had harmed, and then I started telling someone else a bunch of the "bad" things my spouse had done long ago, things he had made amends for and I had supposedly forgiven him for.

I reflected on this behavior this morning and realized that because I already knew I had to do a 10th step, but hadn't yet, I was into resenting the person I had harmed, and I was remembering other resentments supposedly long gone. In other words, I was blaming others for my behavior that I had yet to make amends for. It was amazing how quickly this was happening, and how quickly I was losing not just my serenity, but my sanity. For example, my dog was sick last night and I began to panic - I was suddenly angry with my daughter because I couldn't find my towel-rags (even though I had moved them myself) and I resented the vet who had cleaned my dog's teeth the day before. Plus I was projecting having to go to the ER vet on a Sat. night and ending up with a $1000 bill, neither of which happened.

So now that I know how quickly I started to react rather than respond to a situation because I need to make a 10th Step, it is essential that I talk with my sponsor about the best way to make my amends. There is not a simple solution this time - the person I harmed is not someone I live with or whom I can just call, plus I need to know how much information is necessary in making my amends. In the meantime, I can admit my faults to my Greater Power right here and now and start anew. I can be serene knowing that I've written it down and am willing to make my amends. I don't have to wait until I make those amends to regain my sanity. I don't have to remain resentful and angry at others, and especially I don't have to be angry with myself.

If I've learned anything recently, it is that I need to forgive myself first and love myself unconditionally - I need to Let It Begin With Me before I can forgive others and love them unconditionally. So I'm 10th Stepping myself right now and will ASAP 10th Step the other person I have harmed, and if necessary the people I gossiped to - if I don't stop this thing right here and now it will get bigger and bigger and I will fall into depression and self-pity. Since I was just there a few months ago, I don't want to go there again. I am so grateful that the Al-Anon program gives me the tools to not just get well but to stay well, and the 10th Step is one of the best tools I have.

Let It Begin with Me, Really

The slogan "Let It Begin with Me" usually refers to 12th Step work, but I’m using it right now to make amends to myself. I’m letting it begin with me by finally putting myself on my 8th Step list, something I’ve never done even though it has been recommended to me several times. I wish I had done it, but we work the program our own way in our own time. So I’m not going to beat myself up.

In fact, I’m going to stop beating myself up because that’s what I’ve been doing most of my life. It started in my childhood when I was told I wasn’t good enough, that I was just like my alcoholic father, and that no one would ever love me – and I believed it, all of it. So this amends to myself - to tell myself that I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am approved of – will be a lifelong endeavor.

And I’ve noticed something already. That when I’m starting to feel bad, either about myself or someone else, if I get back to thinking that God loves me, God forgives me, and God approves of me, I can change my mood. And when I change my mood or my attitude with those self-affirming thoughts, I change my persona. I actually become a different person because I’ve changed my core beliefs.

That doesn’t mean I change my personality, just how it comes across to the world. I am no longer the damaged little me who barely keeps her head above self-pity, criticism, and justification – running off any potential friends in the process. I become someone who is confident, tolerant, and receptive to others liking me. I am attractive because I love myself, I forgive myself, and I approve of myself.

Actually, when I become an attractive person, from the inside out, I am doing 12th Step work – attraction not promotion. So for me, “Let It Begin With Me” is about my recovery coming first before I can help others. That means I have to put myself first, which means I have to love myself. Although my sponsor has been working with me on this, my ah-ha moment came when I was seeking God’s will and read:

“When I learn to love myself as my Higher Power loves me, I believe I am doing God’s will.” (Courage to Change, page 206)

Although I still desire to be loved by many people and to have many friends, my sponsor reminds me that all I need is the love, forgiveness, and approval of God and myself. That is enough.

P.S. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself some here (see 2 posts ago) but this learning to love myself is a huge lesson for me and a long time coming. So it bears repeating again and again.

Lighten Up! Let It Begin With Me.

So my goal lately, after a long time of being serious, is to lighten up. I decided this after watching the audience's response to a popular circuit speaker. They were laughing. They needed to laugh. Too often we Al-Anon's forget about humor. AA's Big Book recognizes that alcoholics are not a glum lot. And neither are we. In fact, newcomers are often surprised when we laugh in meetings about alcoholism. How can this be funny? they think. And I often think the same thing, not just about alcoholism but every thing else. Oh, woe is me. Life is so hard. The world is such a scary place. But I'm trying something different, to look at the bright side of things, even the funny side. So "let it begin with me" is a good slogan to use, since I know I can laugh at myself without hurting anyone's feelings. And when I speak, I can tell my funny stories about how crazy I was and still am sometimes. However, that doesn't mean we don't talk about the serious business of recovery. It's just that people tend to perk up and maybe listen a little better if they've had a giggle or belly laugh and thus are relaxed. So I'm still learning, thank God!