A Very Long Fall

Here in Colorado, we've had an exceptionally long and warm fall. It is two days after Halloween and we still haven't had a hard frost, at least not in the Denver metro area. And although I'm enjoying it because fall is my favorite season, it's starting to mess with me. As a person no longer working, I have options as to what to do with my days. Which means that I can procrastinate forever when it comes to some tasks like cleaning out drawers and cleaning off my desk. I keep thinking those things can wait until the weather turns cold.

In the meantime, I have one drawer in particular that is getting so full I'm having trouble opening and closing it. And the mess on my desk long ago hid my to-do list. It occurred to me today that if the weather never turns cold, will I simply never take care of these heretofore cold-weather projects? Will I just let the drawer get stuck for good or my desk become the cornerstone for a reality series on hoarders? I mean what do people in Hawaii do? Nothing? Ever?

Since I'm originally from Montana, I can't begin to answer that question. I learned from an early age to get outside to enjoy the weather if it was even close to being nice. But I've lived in Colorado long enough now to know we have enough warm, sunny days to skip a few and get things done inside. And I worked quite a few of those years. Plus I take care of laundry and dishes and occasionally vacuum. So why not clean out that drawer?. It is, after all, a small drawer.

This reminds of the 10th Step: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." This Step is useful in that it keeps us from having to go all the way back to Steps 4 and 5, which are for most of us much more difficult than Step 10. In other words, if I continue to ignore the little messes, they will turn into big messes. No amount of excuses, such as the weather is so nice today (again), will keep the piles from getting bigger.

So "just for today" (or tomorrow now that the sun has set) I will take care of one mess before I let myself bask in yet another beautiful sunny and warm fall day... In reality, I must confess, I haven't really been enjoying the days that much since I don't like clutter - just like I can't really enjoy the company of the God of my understanding if I have amends to make :-)

Why Do A 10th Step?

So why is it so important to do a 10th step? (Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.) Can't we let some things just slide by? After all, we aren't expected to be perfect in our recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism. However, as my sponsor tells me, my goal is serenity and if I don't keep my side of the street clean, I lose my serenity. I realized yesterday that something was amiss. I was suddenly gossiping about a person in the program to several people - the very person I had harmed, and then I started telling someone else a bunch of the "bad" things my spouse had done long ago, things he had made amends for and I had supposedly forgiven him for.

I reflected on this behavior this morning and realized that because I already knew I had to do a 10th step, but hadn't yet, I was into resenting the person I had harmed, and I was remembering other resentments supposedly long gone. In other words, I was blaming others for my behavior that I had yet to make amends for. It was amazing how quickly this was happening, and how quickly I was losing not just my serenity, but my sanity. For example, my dog was sick last night and I began to panic - I was suddenly angry with my daughter because I couldn't find my towel-rags (even though I had moved them myself) and I resented the vet who had cleaned my dog's teeth the day before. Plus I was projecting having to go to the ER vet on a Sat. night and ending up with a $1000 bill, neither of which happened.

So now that I know how quickly I started to react rather than respond to a situation because I need to make a 10th Step, it is essential that I talk with my sponsor about the best way to make my amends. There is not a simple solution this time - the person I harmed is not someone I live with or whom I can just call, plus I need to know how much information is necessary in making my amends. In the meantime, I can admit my faults to my Greater Power right here and now and start anew. I can be serene knowing that I've written it down and am willing to make my amends. I don't have to wait until I make those amends to regain my sanity. I don't have to remain resentful and angry at others, and especially I don't have to be angry with myself.

If I've learned anything recently, it is that I need to forgive myself first and love myself unconditionally - I need to Let It Begin With Me before I can forgive others and love them unconditionally. So I'm 10th Stepping myself right now and will ASAP 10th Step the other person I have harmed, and if necessary the people I gossiped to - if I don't stop this thing right here and now it will get bigger and bigger and I will fall into depression and self-pity. Since I was just there a few months ago, I don't want to go there again. I am so grateful that the Al-Anon program gives me the tools to not just get well but to stay well, and the 10th Step is one of the best tools I have.