A Little On Sponsorship

I was asked for my experience, strength, and hope on sponsorship, specifically what to do if one's sponsor doesn't seem to be available anymore. As a sponsor myself, I make sure I don't take on another sponsee unless I have the time they seem to need. Communication is the key, something we Al-Anons aren't always good at because of our broken relationships due to alcoholism. But we get to practice new behavior in Al-Anon where it is safe.

So if your sponsor doesn't seem to have time for you, you probably need to pray about it and then talk to her. Ask her if she would have time to meet with you regularly, even if that is once a month. It depends on what you need. If she admits her lack of time, then you can let her know you'll be looking for a new sponsor. This doesn't mean you can't stay friends. I repeat, this is not like burning a bridge. It is simply admitting your relationship has changed and is not working the way it used to.

To begin your search for a new sponsor, pray for guidance. Since you've already worked the Steps, your needs are not the same as a newcomer, but you still need this special kind of confidante. Listen to people share at meetings. My sponsor found a new sponsor recently in a younger member, both in age and years in the program. She simply liked what she had to say in meetings - she wants what her new sponsor has. That's the key - there is some kind of attraction.

All this talk reminds me that I haven't heard from a couple sponsees for a while, so I probably need to check in with them to see if they still want me as their sponsor. If they have moved on, I will have more time for others. It really isn't a big deal when we change our sponsors/sponsees. It's not like we're married to these people - we're all just growing and sometimes we grow in different directions, our needs change. And it's important to take care of our needs. No one else will do this for us :-)

Are You Ready to be a Sponsor?

This is in reply to a question I received on a sponsorship post from 2007:

You are ready to be a sponsor if you have worked the steps. In so doing, you are ready to pass on what you have received. That does not mean that you need to be perfect or have it all together. Progress not perfection is part of sponsorship, too. I have made many "mistakes" which have turned out to be lessons for myself. I also learn much from my sponsees, often amazed at how strong and spiritual they are, wondering why they are coming to me for help? I guess they see something in me they want, which helps me see just how far I have come.

As far as reading about sponsorship, there are Al-Anon pamphlets and indexes in all the books. But if someone asks you to be a sponsor, you are ready. I assume you have a sponsor? Perhaps just pass on to your sponsee(s) in the same way your sponsor has passed the program on to you. Or go with the flow - what does your sponsee need? To work the steps. Then have them go to a step study meeting or go through the steps with them using any of our literature. Give them assignments to answer the questions at the end of the chapters in Paths to Recovery, or have them go through the Blueprint for Progress.

Keep in mind that you are not a guru, just a guide, but the real guide is both of your HP(s). If there is only one rule I have for myself as a sponsor it is to keep my sponsee(s) focused on the solution rather than the problem, and that means focused on their own recovery rather than continually complaining about the alcoholics or other miseries in their lives. It really is a learning process for all of us. It is like doing any service work. You learn it by doing it. So just do it!

Learning More About Sponsorship

I learned more about sponsorship this year, that it is important to tell your sponsees the truth even if it hurts - especially if they ask for help in a particular area. Yes, they do need encouragement, but they also need to grow. If a sponsee tells you they are stuck and you believe you know why, you should tell them.

Yes, it is hard. We want people to like us and be our friends. But we don't want them to "die" spiritually by letting them stay in the dark about their own behavior. It is the one thing they can change - even past behavior by admitting they were wrong, making amends, and moving on. We as sponsors need to be responsible.

After all, where would we be, where would I be, if my sponsor hadn't asked me at the end of a two-day fifth step if I had any "coffin nails" - things that will kill me. Yes, I had, and when I shared it, my life changed. I needed that push to tell the truth, to get rid of the big secret that was keeping me sick.

And so I need to "push" my sponsees, and yet do it gently in God's time, not mine. More often than not, when I share the truth as I see it with a sponsee, they come back later and thank me. I tell them I'm just the messenger, and that I learned just as much as they have. This passing it on is how we keep our recovery. It is courage in action. I encourage you out there to tell each other the truth, but remember: Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.