A Month of 10th Steps

I thought I was working the 2nd Step this month, but it turns out I'm working the 10th Step, having had to make five as-soon-as-possible amends. I use the word "had" because if I did not, I would lose my serenity, which is the goal of my Al-Anon program.

With making my 10th Step amends, I have figured out the character defect I've been practicing that results in needing to do 10th Steps. It is dishonesty. But more important, why am I dishonest in the first place, especially when I have nothing to hide?

Both my sponsor and a sponsee asked me the same question: why do you feel the need to lie to make yourself look or feel better? The answer is that I'm still learning to love and approve of myself, my big lesson of last year. I guess this year I need to practice unconditional love for myself. Here is a quote from Hope for Today, Feb. 23rd, page 54, that contains the solution:

"No longer do I expect to be perfect, and I don't hide away in isolation for fear of having my imperfections discovered. Neither do I easily give away the precious, vulnerable parts of myself; I wait until I deem the other person trustworthy enough to receive me with love."

In other words, I am not ashamed of my humanity. But at the same time, I am careful whom I share my faults and errors with, through Step 5, Step 9, and Step 10. And I am careful not to harm myself as well as someone else when I make my amends, as it states in Step 9. I check in with my Greater Power and sometimes my sponsor, depending on the gravity of the situation.

The important thing I've learned is that I love myself enough to make amends because when I do, and when I give the results to God, I am given the priceless gift of serenity. I don't just feel this myself. Others can see it, or so I was told at an Al-Anon business meeting this last weekend. What a nice compliment to my program and my sponsor's relentless reminding that my goal is indeed serenity.

A MOVIE BRINGS IT TO THE FOREFRONT

I watched The Savages yesterday, a movie about grown children stepping up to the plate to take care of their father at the end of his life. The twist was that the father had abused them and, for most of their adult lives, had been estranged. I was touched by their ability to do the "right thing," even though I'm not sure I will be able to do the same when it is my turn.

I started this blog the last time I attempted to see my biological father. He chose not to see me. It is complicated and I don't want to bore you with the details. Let's just say that both my professional counselor and my sponsor told me, at the same time, to emotionally divorce my father. I'm still in that process because it still hurts.

It hurts when your "daddy" leaves you when you're still a little girl. It hurts when he doesn't come to visit you when you're an adult. It hurts when you know he'll probably die before the relationship can be mended because you need to protect yourself from being hurt again and again...

So even though I still feel sometimes like I need to make amends, I am told that I don't, because in so doing I would harm myself. In other words, I don't need to mend a relationship that I did not break. I've tried and tried and tried, and it hasn't worked. I've done my best. I've done enough. It is time to truly let go, to surrender, to leave him in God's hands.

On the other hand, I am willing to help take care of my mother-in-law who loves me despite my character flaws, as well as my aunt who still cares for my grandma at 103. I may also help out with caring for my mom and dad (the man who adopted me) when the time comes. These people have done the best that they could, and for that, I am grateful and willing.

Amends are for Yourself

I goofed last night. Before we went out to dinner and shopping, I put the dog in the backyard. Usually she does her thing and then lets herself in via the dog door.

But yesterday afternoon, I had closed the gates on the deck when my granddaughter was visiting, so the dog had spent the evening waiting for us to open a gate for her.

To make it worse, it was pouring rain! Talk about needing to make amends, or at least a 10th step!

In this case, however, I hadn't intentionally hurt my dog. It was by sheer forgetfulness. Yet, I felt guilty and went from giving her extra snacks and chicken soup to wrapping her in towels and then blankets. I expected her to snuggle up on the couch; instead, she lay at my feet and went to sleep, as if nothing had happened.

When we went to bed, I let her lie on my throw, which I never do, and she let me scratch her until I realized that she probably had no concept of my guilt or why I was spoiling her. She was just enjoying the extra attention. She had forgiven me the moment we'd opened the gate for her.

When I realized this, I knew that I had made amends to her, but what I had really done was alleviate my own guilt. That is what amends are for, first and foremost. We have no control over the reaction or response of the "amendee." Some are forgiving, others are not. It should not matter.

What does matter is that we make things right to the best of our ability, even when we did not intentionally hurt someone, and in so doing find serenity and grow in our relationship with God as we understand him/her. Thank you, God, for my sweet little dog...

Taking Care of Myself?

What does this mean? Well, tonight it meant figuring out how to get past being angry at someone without giving in to them. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior but I do have to behave myself. "I" statements work best, so I said, "I will stop being angry with you if you promise to stop...." I know I had to get past my anger despite what the other person decided to do, but this was a way to ask for what I wanted and communicate without pointing my finger. We in Al-Anon have learned not to be doormats, but we've also learned to "say what we mean, mean what we say, without being mean," especially when someone seems to be saying mean things to us. We learn to take the high road without going to that place of judgement. We need to have compassion for others, but also for ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves because often we haven't been nurtured. And in this way we take care of ourselves and make amends to ourselves.