Al-Anon Lifer

Anonymous sharings from a long-time member of Al-Anon, which is a safe place to recover from the effects of alcoholism in a friend or relative...

Monday, January 21, 2008


I watched The Savages yesterday, a movie about grown children stepping up to the plate to take care of their father at the end of his life. The twist was that the father had abused them and, for most of their adult lives, had been estranged. I was touched by their ability to do the "right thing," even though I'm not sure I will be able to do the same when it is my turn.

I started this blog the last time I attempted to see my biological father. He chose not to see me. It is complicated and I don't want to bore you with the details. Let's just say that both my professional counselor and my sponsor told me, at the same time, to emotionally divorce my father. I'm still in that process because it still hurts.

It hurts when your "daddy" leaves you when you're still a little girl. It hurts when he doesn't come to visit you when you're an adult. It hurts when you know he'll probably die before the relationship can be mended because you need to protect yourself from being hurt again and again...

So even though I still feel sometimes like I need to make amends, I am told that I don't, because in so doing I would harm myself. In other words, I don't need to mend a relationship that I did not break. I've tried and tried and tried, and it hasn't worked. I've done my best. I've done enough. It is time to truly let go, to surrender, to leave him in God's hands.

On the other hand, I am willing to help take care of my mother-in-law who loves me despite my character flaws, as well as my aunt who still cares for my grandma at 103. I may also help out with caring for my mom and dad (the man who adopted me) when the time comes. These people have done the best that they could, and for that, I am grateful and willing.

Labels: , , , , ,


At Tuesday, January 22, 2008 9:32:00 PM, Anonymous nanceelee said...

My estranged dad died a long time ago, he was incapable of any parenting most of his life. It's often easier for me to forgive and understand him after his death. I must work on not being angry with my mom, who still lives so much in the dysfunction of being married to an alcoholic for so many years, so many years ago.

I work on this, and I hope things get better for you.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home