Step 9 Spiritual Awakenings, Numbers 1 and 2

Number 1: After a long spiritual drought over the summer, or so it felt, I learned something new while working Step 9 in September – that my amends to my blood father need only be that I forgive him, period. This does not require that I call him or write him, for direct contact with him usually ends with my being harmed.

This goes well with making amends to myself, that I forgive and love myself first and foremost. Forgiveness, I learned early on in the program, does not mean saying that a behavior was okay, for that is often not the case. Forgiveness instead is letting go of a resentment. We do this for our own serenity which my sponsor tells me is my ultimate goal.

Until this spiritual awakening, that all I need do is forgive (in this particular case), I was having a great deal of trouble understanding how I could feel serene while trying to have a relationship with someone who abandoned me as a child and has continued to repeat that behavior for the last 50 years. Why would I expose myself to someone's abuse if I love myself?

The answer is I wouldn't, and shouldn't.

Number 2: I also learned what loving myself really means - my second spiritual awakening this fall. I'm someone who has fought depression ever since my father first left me. I wrote poetry about death and thought about suicide long before my teen years. That or anger was where I went whenever I experienced the emotional pain of rejection, real or imagined.

I was going there again this fall so used the tools I have learned to keep myself afloat (besides taking medication). First was to have an “attitude of gratitude,” so I made a gratitude list. Okay, that helped me to stop the self-pity, to count my blessings. Second was to get some exercise and sunshine. That helped short-term, but the effects did not last long enough. So third, I thought about others and that I needed to stay alive for them. Anyone who has had a family member or friend commit suicide will tell you to think of others.

This is when I realized that I only felt good when I was either with others or had plans on a daily basis to be with someone else. Should someone cancel our plans, I would be devastated and wonder how I was going to make it through the day. It took me awhile to see this, since my old self felt better when I was alone because people often made me feel bad about myself. That's because my family of origin was non-supportive and I used to choose unhealthy relationships.

That's when it hit me, that if I was going to beat my depression, I was going to have to love myself enough to enjoy my own company. I needed to lose my dependency on others to feel good about me. In other words, staying alive for others was no longer working because it was only a temporary fix – I had to learn to stay alive for me! This is a radical change in my thinking and I have just begun to practice it.

Stay tuned for more blogging on this.

Taking Risks

Okay, I've been playing it safe for too long. Even though that is what I needed when I first came into Al-Anon and for many years. To be with and interact with people like myself who had agreed to treat each other with mutual respect in order to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. But now, now that I've practiced "correct" behavior through service work and around my family members, now it is time to step out of my comfort zone and take a few risks.

Today I began that process. I met with a non-program person to discuss our common interest which has nothing to do with a 12-step program. I had never met this person before today. We found each other online. I trusted my Greater Power to tell me if she was safe. I believe she is, especially since we're meeting in a public place and not making any huge commitments. And if it doesn't work out for us to continue meeting, we can always agree to stop.

It's not like I haven't been taking risks all along. I took a risk coming to Al-Anon for the first time. I took a risk every time I set a boundary with my drinking spouse before and after he got sober. I take a risk every time I leave my house, either on foot, on my bike, or in my car. Every time I pick up the phone to call a friend or relative, I take the risk of being "rejected" - of someone saying "no."

I have and can continue to live the Serenity Prayer - to ask God for the courage to change the things I can. In other words, to take a few risks...

Comparing the Good and the Bad

My sponsor keeps reminding me to not compare myself to others, that God and I are the only ones who need to approve of me. So what happens when I don't think God or I approve of me? I can do something to change that, if only my attitude. Some days it is all I can do to just say that I'm okay just the way I am, just for today. I have to dismiss the voices around me that say you are what you do or accomplish, or something is wrong with you if you tend to keep to yourself...

But something else came to mind this week about comparison, and that is what I put up with in others because I compare them to those who are worse, saying it could be worse. This especially happens with my spouse because he is such a good guy. Even when he was still drinking, I didn't have much to complain about because he worked, he was responsible around the house, he didn't beat me or the children, he brought me flowers and candy...

And yet something was terribly wrong and I usually thought it was me, it had to be me. Now that he's sober, it definitely has to be me because he's practically perfect, right? Wrong. He's just the same good guy he was before, only sober. But if he's such a good guy, why does my gut keep telling me that something is still wrong? The answer came last night when I asked for a change in behavior and got yelled at.

Nobody sees this behavior but me, and it's really okay because after all, he is such a good guy, he could be so much worse... It's like I'm supposed to put up with it, tolerate it, thinking that my spouse is a saint compared to the horror stories I've heard in meetings. In other words, I don't even deserve the good guy I have when I'm not the greatest gal. This is how my comparing the good as well as the bad gets me into trouble.

If I had listened to all those voices telling me he isn't so bad, so what if he drinks and drives, I would have never found Al-Anon and gotten the help I needed. And he may never have gotten sober because I may have continued to accept unacceptable behavior. In reality, I am doing him a disservice by letting him think it is okay to yell at me. Today I will remember to listen to my gut and change what I can, even when it is the hard thing to do like speaking up for myself.

Service Work: When Is Enough Enough?

Taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is the key to recovery in Al-Anon. We first do this by coming to meetings, then by working the 12 Steps of Al-Anon. We learn further by using the 12 Traditions of Al-Anon in our group meetings and in our family, friend, and work relationships. Many of us then move on to Area World Service which is our way of practicing the 12 Concepts of Service. (An Area is usually a state, although a few heavily populated states have split into two Areas.)

There are many other forms of service work, though, such as chairing meetings, serving as your group treasurer or secretary, volunteering to help with Al-Anon events, and most importantly, in my opinion, sponsoring others who want help in working the Steps, Traditions, and/or Concepts. Whatever we do to recover from living with the disease of alcoholism in a family or friend is our choice. We don't all follow the same path. For example, we can not all serve as a delegate to the World Service Conference.

And neither should we strive for this as it is simply one calling. I personally have put a lot of time into holding "formal" Al-Anon service positions, and I am being encouraged to continue. However, I am seriously considering taking a much more relaxed approach to this part of my recovery by concentrating more on sponsoring others and maybe facilitating another step study, which I really enjoyed. I also have other parts of my life outside of Al-Anon that need some attention.

The key is to talk to my regular Sponsor and my Service Sponsor but mostly to connect to my Greater Power, asking for his/her will for me and the power to carry that out. I am willing to be willing to do whatever is asked of me, even though I believe if I no longer have the desire to do something, then it probably isn't the best thing for me to do. If I'm wanting to write more and spend more time with my grandchildren, then I need more time to do that. And as my Sponsor tells me, God and I are the only ones who need to approve of me.

Father's Day for Adult Children of Alcoholics

As Father's Day approaches, I suddenly realize why my blood father might have called this week after almost three years of silence. I can't know for sure, of course, but he's probably feeling sorry for himself again. That's his MO. And someone in his 80's just doesn't change. He says he has something important to tell me and wants to come for a visit. My sponsor reminded me that I have choices here. And my decision right now is to wait and see, having told my blood father that now is not a good time, which is the truth.

It probably isn't coincidental that I just put him on my Step 6 list under people I haven't totally forgiven. And when I ask God to make me willing to let go of a resentment, He/She usually gives me an opportunity to face that resentment head on. So I thanked God this morning for my blood father calling. I asked for His/Her will for my life and the power to carry that out (Step 11).

I also thanked God for my step father who adopted me, loves my mother, and is taking care of her in her old age - not an easy task. He's the best parent I have, the most normal parent I have. He's the one who stays in touch consistently and sends out greeting cards. He's the one who supported me financially and emotionally and was there at my high school and college graduations. He gave me away at my wedding.

And he's the one I sent a Father's Day card to. I honestly, completely, didn't remember my blood father when shopping for cards for my dad and my husband. That is a good thing after years of trying to get him to be the parent he's never been and never will be. He's sick and the best thing I can do for myself is forgive him but at the same time take care of myself. I don't know what form that will take, but I do know that God will let me know what is best for me.

I do know that He/She loves me more than I can fathom, more than I love my children and grandchild. And with that, I know I am worthy of good things and good people in my life. I no longer search out sick people to fill the void that was left when my blood father left and my mother was no longer able to love me the way I would have preferred. She, like all my parents, did the best she could. And I, too, am doing the best I can.

Alcoholism - A Killer Disease

My Saturday Al-Anon group was reminded again that alcoholism is a disease that kills. A member shared that her spouse had died. I don't know why we were shocked, but it so seldom happens because most of us have loved ones in recovery. But it could have happened in my life and it still could. I need to be grateful again for recovery, mine as well as others.

It's hard for me to understand that alcoholism is a disease. After all, it's treatment is mostly spiritual rather than with medications or chemotherapy. It is unlike cancer which a close family member is now battling. We don't expect her to get herself to all her doctor and chemo appointments while taking care of children and household chores. Instead, we are willing and able to assist in any way we can. We believe this will help her get better.

With the alcoholics, however, we have had to detach with love and not enable them by trying to fix them or the consequences of their drinking. In the past, this kind of help has only prolonged the disease, keeping them from hitting their bottoms and getting the real help they need. We have had to let go and let God and take care of ourselves, which is the best way to be prepared when the alcoholics ask for help.

We still need to be cautious that we only do for them what they can't do for themselves and what the God of our understanding asks of us. Often this is simply encouraging them in their recovery and spending more time alone while they go to meetings and take on service positions. One of the best ways I've dealt with this aspect is to do my own service work, including positions and sponsoring. This almost always works to get me out of self-pity and the blame game.

After all, I don't blame my loved one for having cancer. I just accept it and take care of myself so I am able to help when I am asked. In this way, dealing with the two diseases is the same. If I let myself go to pot, I'm no good to anybody. I practice "live and let live" so I don't push my opinions on anyone or hover unnecessarily. And sometimes I have to say "no" because I have made another commitment or simply need to have some fun.

My God doesn't expect me to do it all or do it all alone. I also have to ask for help. It's exhausting to deal with someone else's life-threatening disease. Right now, for example, I caught a virus and am still recovering from a secondary infection. I've had to let my housework go and say "yes" to activities that get me out in the sun and out of my head. I've had to take life one day at a time, never knowing from day to day how I will feel or what will be asked of me.

In this way, I know that God will give me the courage and strength I need to do his/her will just for today. I need not go into the future, worrying about someone dying. Neither need I go into the past, regretting my past behavior or thinking about all the woulda, coulda, shouldas. Right now, in this moment, all is well. I'm feeling better. My sick loved one is having a good day. And my spouse is sober. It is easy to have an attitude of gratitude.

It helps me to remember how fragile life is and how much our 12-step programs have helped us hang on to the gift of life. Help me, God, to never forget that alcoholism, like cancer, is a deadly disease.

On the Return of Characer Defects

Oh, those pesky woodpeckers. They show up every spring and where one hole is patched, another hole is drilled right around the corner. Every morning, as I sit down for my cup of coffee and "quiet" time, I almost immediately have to get up, unlock the front door, and step around the front of the house to scare away a woodpecker, often several times. Eventually, if I'm lucky, that works.

But there are days like today when I've been on vacation for a week and the hole is almost ready for a nest. The woodpecker, like a character defect, is more determined to set up housekeeping. I realize that my real problem is more often than not the lack of meetings or mini-meetings with my sponsor, program friends, and sponsees. I've let life get to me and began focusing on stuff, real or imagined.

It doesn't take long for me to get angry at a bird that is just doing what his/her species do. Mainly because I am on the verge of being angry at God for sending me stuff I can barely handle, and certainly not handle alone. I want to fill my life with activity, busyness, to avoid the pain I'm feeling. I start living in the future, or worse, the past. Then I remember to work Step 11 and ask God for guidance Just for Today.

It doesn't take long for serenity to begin to return and my character defects to lift, if indeed I let God do what God does best - give me the wisdom to know what I can and can not do with my current circumstances as well as my loved ones'. When I rely on God, my burdens also lift and life feels easier. I don't have to worry or be depressed or get angry. I can be calm and take care of myself so I am better able to help others. Or I can ask for help from others.

What a concept! Maybe that is what I really need to do. I am only human, after all, and can only handle so much on my own. I'm grateful that I am not alone - I have God, I have Al-Anon, and I have family. Thank you, God, for reminding me of what I've gained from my program. Amen.