It's March!!

I made it through February, which to me is the darkest month of the year. It has less to do with being the dead of winter than with being the month my life changed as a child, when my parents got divorced and we left our house for good. I figured this out a few years back through therapy, so now I'm hypervigilant about taking care of myself every February. And this year, I didn't get depressed!

Although I did get a bit insane towards the end there with obsessive thinking, arguing with my blood father in my head after deciding to contact him and invite him for a visit, to which he has not replied. Then I remembered that I could ask the God of my understanding to take that stinking thinking away from me.

I also did the footwork by writing out a fourth step, and you know what? The next morning I woke up happy. And yesterday I forgot to worry about opening my email should an angry letter be waiting for me. You see, I had invited him but with a couple of boundaries, ones that I needed to establish to take care of me, ones that may have upset him.

From his past behavior, when not getting his way has kept him away, I can make all kinds of assumptions about his current state of mind... however, I haven't seen him for ten years and have had very little contact, so I have no way of knowing how he's reacting now. I can only know myself, and even that can be tough at times.

So I've decided to really give the results to God. My goal in this exercise has been my own serenity. It wasn't working for me to emotionally divorce my blood father, to be totally unwilling to see him. But now that I've made contact and been as civil as one can be while putting my needs first, I know I've done what I can do, for now. Just for today.

A MOVIE BRINGS IT TO THE FOREFRONT

I watched The Savages yesterday, a movie about grown children stepping up to the plate to take care of their father at the end of his life. The twist was that the father had abused them and, for most of their adult lives, had been estranged. I was touched by their ability to do the "right thing," even though I'm not sure I will be able to do the same when it is my turn.

I started this blog the last time I attempted to see my biological father. He chose not to see me. It is complicated and I don't want to bore you with the details. Let's just say that both my professional counselor and my sponsor told me, at the same time, to emotionally divorce my father. I'm still in that process because it still hurts.

It hurts when your "daddy" leaves you when you're still a little girl. It hurts when he doesn't come to visit you when you're an adult. It hurts when you know he'll probably die before the relationship can be mended because you need to protect yourself from being hurt again and again...

So even though I still feel sometimes like I need to make amends, I am told that I don't, because in so doing I would harm myself. In other words, I don't need to mend a relationship that I did not break. I've tried and tried and tried, and it hasn't worked. I've done my best. I've done enough. It is time to truly let go, to surrender, to leave him in God's hands.

On the other hand, I am willing to help take care of my mother-in-law who loves me despite my character flaws, as well as my aunt who still cares for my grandma at 103. I may also help out with caring for my mom and dad (the man who adopted me) when the time comes. These people have done the best that they could, and for that, I am grateful and willing.