It's March!!

I made it through February, which to me is the darkest month of the year. It has less to do with being the dead of winter than with being the month my life changed as a child, when my parents got divorced and we left our house for good. I figured this out a few years back through therapy, so now I'm hypervigilant about taking care of myself every February. And this year, I didn't get depressed!

Although I did get a bit insane towards the end there with obsessive thinking, arguing with my blood father in my head after deciding to contact him and invite him for a visit, to which he has not replied. Then I remembered that I could ask the God of my understanding to take that stinking thinking away from me.

I also did the footwork by writing out a fourth step, and you know what? The next morning I woke up happy. And yesterday I forgot to worry about opening my email should an angry letter be waiting for me. You see, I had invited him but with a couple of boundaries, ones that I needed to establish to take care of me, ones that may have upset him.

From his past behavior, when not getting his way has kept him away, I can make all kinds of assumptions about his current state of mind... however, I haven't seen him for ten years and have had very little contact, so I have no way of knowing how he's reacting now. I can only know myself, and even that can be tough at times.

So I've decided to really give the results to God. My goal in this exercise has been my own serenity. It wasn't working for me to emotionally divorce my blood father, to be totally unwilling to see him. But now that I've made contact and been as civil as one can be while putting my needs first, I know I've done what I can do, for now. Just for today.

Taking Risks

Okay, I've been playing it safe for too long. Even though that is what I needed when I first came into Al-Anon and for many years. To be with and interact with people like myself who had agreed to treat each other with mutual respect in order to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. But now, now that I've practiced "correct" behavior through service work and around my family members, now it is time to step out of my comfort zone and take a few risks.

Today I began that process. I met with a non-program person to discuss our common interest which has nothing to do with a 12-step program. I had never met this person before today. We found each other online. I trusted my Greater Power to tell me if she was safe. I believe she is, especially since we're meeting in a public place and not making any huge commitments. And if it doesn't work out for us to continue meeting, we can always agree to stop.

It's not like I haven't been taking risks all along. I took a risk coming to Al-Anon for the first time. I took a risk every time I set a boundary with my drinking spouse before and after he got sober. I take a risk every time I leave my house, either on foot, on my bike, or in my car. Every time I pick up the phone to call a friend or relative, I take the risk of being "rejected" - of someone saying "no."

I have and can continue to live the Serenity Prayer - to ask God for the courage to change the things I can. In other words, to take a few risks...