It's Okay to Not Visit One's Family

I know that recent readings in Al-Anon's daily readers have spoken about treating one's parents the way we wished they had treated us, but I was reminded by my sponsor today that I've already done that, over and over again. The problem is the reaction I get from them is just more of the same - judgment, criticism, and blame.

I've made my amends for my part and shown them compassion, but now it's time to show myself some compassion, to not continue to put myself in harm's way. When I was raising children, when I realized they were being treated poorly by my parents, I took them out of harm's way.

Now that I have grandchildren, I would never let my parents be alone with them. So why do I continue to put myself in the same room with them?  Is this what forgiveness really is?  No, forgiveness is letting go of the resentments, not feeding the resentments. So just for today, just for now, I am not going to visit my parents.

Some Compassion

Now that my blood father's visit is less than two weeks out, I have finally found some compassion for him with an exercise I came up with while reading Survival to Recovery.

I pictured my father as a 7 or 8-year-old boy whose father died from dust pneumonia during the dust bowl of the Depression. I was the same age when my father left the family not to return.

Then I pictured him as a 14-year-old boy whose alcoholic step-father kicked him out of the house for good. When I was 14, my mother told me I could go live with my father right before she pushed me out onto the front porch on a below zero night in January in the country in Montana. Soon after that, I was adopted by my step-father.

Then I pictured my blood father as a young man in a loveless marriage feeling trapped with children. I have a picture of him next to my mother who is happy holding me as a baby, but he looks detached and is standing several inches from my mother.

After that is where our lives differ. Although I felt trapped as a young wife and mother, I stayed and got help for my attitude. I've worked on that attitude ever since and I think, finally, am making a major breakthrough - through my original anger to a place of real forgiveness.

I like compassion - it gives me the freedom to see someone else's humanity without condoning their behavior. It helps me understand what happened to someone else without letting them interfere with my serenity. It helps me keep an emotional distance to take care of me first.

This truly is detaching with love - for me and for others.

What I Learned at the International

1. I can be grateful that my father abandoned me when I was eight years old. The thought simply occurred to me when someone shared they were grateful that their fiance had left them.

2. If God wants me to make a connection with someone in particular, it will happen - over and over again without having to use cell phones or make plans.

3. If I don't respond like I want when someone recognizes me, I can ask God for a second chance to give that person a hug and my prayer will be answered.

4. It's quite alright to show some emotion when sharing at the mic - you might help someone else feel the feelings they had been stuffing also since childhood.

5. If you're not enjoying a speaker, still listen because you might hear what you need to "just for today." In the meantime, look around the arena and imagine all the recovery in the building.

6. I can forget my diet for a day and make up for the calories by walking all over Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - which is a beautiful city with stunning architecture.

7. My spouse's sobriety helps him deal with long lines and delays, even teaching some Al-Anons that getting angry is not the solution. He told one impatient lady that he can certainly stand in line to buy a bottle of water for his wife who spent many hours waiting for him when he was drinking.

8. I am able to get up early (when it's two hours earlier back home) in order to support Al-Anons from my Area who are speaking, even though I am definitely not a morning person.

9. I can actually be nice to my sober spouse 99.9% of the time, especially if I make the decision to enjoy his company for who he is now, rather than continue to live in the past when he was drinking.

10. I can make a new friend in Al-Anon while standing in line, even if English is her second language. And because I decided to go against my old nature and befriend someone else, I heard the lesson again that my Greater Power has been teaching me this year - "Imagine what it is like to be your father, to have never made amends to your daughter, to be old and estranged from her - imagine that and you will not only be compassionate, you will be able to forgive the person without forgiving the behavior."

Taking Care of Myself?

What does this mean? Well, tonight it meant figuring out how to get past being angry at someone without giving in to them. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior but I do have to behave myself. "I" statements work best, so I said, "I will stop being angry with you if you promise to stop...." I know I had to get past my anger despite what the other person decided to do, but this was a way to ask for what I wanted and communicate without pointing my finger. We in Al-Anon have learned not to be doormats, but we've also learned to "say what we mean, mean what we say, without being mean," especially when someone seems to be saying mean things to us. We learn to take the high road without going to that place of judgement. We need to have compassion for others, but also for ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves because often we haven't been nurtured. And in this way we take care of ourselves and make amends to ourselves.