On the Return of Characer Defects

Oh, those pesky woodpeckers. They show up every spring and where one hole is patched, another hole is drilled right around the corner. Every morning, as I sit down for my cup of coffee and "quiet" time, I almost immediately have to get up, unlock the front door, and step around the front of the house to scare away a woodpecker, often several times. Eventually, if I'm lucky, that works.

But there are days like today when I've been on vacation for a week and the hole is almost ready for a nest. The woodpecker, like a character defect, is more determined to set up housekeeping. I realize that my real problem is more often than not the lack of meetings or mini-meetings with my sponsor, program friends, and sponsees. I've let life get to me and began focusing on stuff, real or imagined.

It doesn't take long for me to get angry at a bird that is just doing what his/her species do. Mainly because I am on the verge of being angry at God for sending me stuff I can barely handle, and certainly not handle alone. I want to fill my life with activity, busyness, to avoid the pain I'm feeling. I start living in the future, or worse, the past. Then I remember to work Step 11 and ask God for guidance Just for Today.

It doesn't take long for serenity to begin to return and my character defects to lift, if indeed I let God do what God does best - give me the wisdom to know what I can and can not do with my current circumstances as well as my loved ones'. When I rely on God, my burdens also lift and life feels easier. I don't have to worry or be depressed or get angry. I can be calm and take care of myself so I am better able to help others. Or I can ask for help from others.

What a concept! Maybe that is what I really need to do. I am only human, after all, and can only handle so much on my own. I'm grateful that I am not alone - I have God, I have Al-Anon, and I have family. Thank you, God, for reminding me of what I've gained from my program. Amen.

Dealing with Depression

Along with being an Al-Anon, I fight depression. Not the kind that comes from dealing with alcoholism and other family/relationship dysfunctions, but the kind that comes from an inherited chemical imbalance. I can usually tell when it's coming, and more often than not, I usually just have to let it, because I know that "This too shall pass." I am powerless.

That doesn't mean that I need to become depression's victim, letting it drag me down to despair and complete escapism. Instead, I recognize it, do what I can do to alleviate its symptoms, and leave the results to time. I know, for example, that some physical exercise will help, even though my brain tells me to crawl back into bed or onto the couch. I also know that getting out of the house will help, to be out in the world even though I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. So I plan on going somewhere, even if it's the grocery store. I go through the motions of normalcy and these help.

It also helps to make a gratitude list as well as list my good qualities. This is not a good time to do a 6th step, dredging up my character defects. That list, when I'm depressed, is already present in my mind and much longer than the one my sponsor and I made during my last 5th step. In fact, during my last 5th step, my sponsor also made me list 10 good character traits. She said it was like pulling teeth because I've spent so much time in my life letting depression get the best of me.

And since that 5th step, my Greater Power has been showing me that I am indeed lovable and worthy of love, and I have many people in my life who not only love me, but like me as well. In fact, just writing this post is helping me realize that. I'm already feeling better because I'm doing something positive. I am taking part in changing my attitude and something is clicking inside my brain. Everything may not be okay, but I will be okay. I've probably been through the worst of it this morning (after a week of knowing it was coming) and like fog, my depression will lift as the day goes on...

If I let it, if I "Let Go and Let God."