I Really Am Loved!

Sorry I've been gone from blogland. I was busy getting ready for my whole family of origin's visit. I wasted a lot of energy on what-ifs, you know, FEARs - Future Expectations Appearing Real. None of them really came true. The little things that were said or happened weren't that big, especially when I got my act - my head - my thoughts - together. When I realized that I had lost my serenity, that all I needed to do was say the Serenity Prayer, the God of my understanding took away my negative thoughts and the weekend went well.

That was two weeks ago. This last weekend was the complete opposite. I went to our state's Weekend-In-Al-Anon and heard over and over from people, in their words, smiles, and hugs, that they loved me. I didn't believe them, I never do, because those tapes from my childhood are huge, that I'm not loved, not even liked. But there was an exercise where the whole group whispered affirmations in each others' ears which made me, for the first time, feel truly loved. I need to remember that feeling - that it made me believe it, really, for the first time in my life.

God, let me never again dismiss it when someone tells me they love me or appreciate me, or when someone compliments me or gives me a hug. Let me remember that though my parents don't seem to have the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved as a child or adult, other people do and there are many more of them than in my family of origin. Thank you for my new family as well as for my spouse and the gift of sobriety in my home. Thank you for your love.

Amen.

Wouldn't It Be Nice!

I got this letter today that promises me all my wishes will come true, like winning a million dollars, my children will find love and success, I will lose weight, I will have more friends, I will be happy in my work, etc. etc. etc., and I only have to buy this special wish ring. Just $5 plus shipping and handling and following the instructions that come with it. Wow. What a promise. Unfortunately, there is no magic ring that will make my dreams come true. There is no "secret."

Instead, there is hard work, honesty, kindness, love, service, and prayer, yes, prayer, but not the kind that asks for material wealth and a perfect body. The kind that asks "only for God's will for us and the power to carry that out." This means to me that I shouldn't even be asking God for specific things for me or my children, rather simply for God's best for us and how may I be of use to God and others.

There are days God tells me to take care of myself, to be good to myself. For example, when I suffered some head trauma in a motorcycle accident, I needed extra rest. Without it, I wouldn't be good to anybody. In fact, I was acting like I used to before recovery, shooting off my mouth, blaming others for my unhappiness, making unnecessary demands on others, and being generally miserable. After a few days of rest and doing almost nothing, I felt better.

Now I am able to serve again and enjoy life again, even if there is no shortcut to losing weight and no magic spell to make sure my children find love and happiness. There is only God, love, forgiveness, and letting go. Oh, and putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next best thing, and suiting up and showing up. All the things we hear at meetings. They do work, unlike a so-called wish ring.