God's Will Should Be Simple

If God loves us, why would He/She make it difficult for us to discover our personal road to serenity? Why do we think that finding God's will for our lives is strenuous and sometimes impossible? I've been struggling with the question "What is God's will for my life?" for years. But guess what, I have been living God's will much of that time simply because I was seeking it. Through working my program and living my life, even in my "failures" I was doing God's will.

My problem is that I measure whether I am doing God's will or not by how good I feel about myself. And feeling good about myself means that I have achieved something worthy of other people's praises. Whereas I used to find contentment in cleaning my house because it gave me joy, now just cooking a meal has no meaning for me unless others take notice. Why do I need this approval of others?

My sponsor tells me that only God and I need to approve of me. But I don't think God is shaking His/Her head every day that I fail to write the great American novel. I think it is my ego that goes to bed every night thinking I've wasted yet another day, not doing God's will. In reality, I am moaning and groaning over not doing my own will which is to achieve some form of greatness.

I don't really get that "My Higher Power wants what's best for me. However, I need to want it, too." (Hope for Today, page 137) Instead, I think that what's best for me is to fulfill my desires. I've got it backwards. What's best for me is wanting what God wants. And what does God really want or ask of me? This is simple, I'm learning. "When I learn to love myself as my Higher Power loves me, I believe I am doing God's will." (Courage to Change, page 206)

So God's will for me first and foremost is that I love myself. To do that, I have to believe that God loves me, even when my parents didn't love me. I have to do the footwork of the Steps in order to achieve forgiveness of them and others and especially of myself. When I truly love myself in this way, I will have balance in my life and be better able to serve others - not just do things to please others.

I'm not quite there yet, but because I am seeking rather than giving up, I am doing God's will, whatever I am doing with my day. I no longer need to beat myself up about not achieving greatness in my own eyes. I need to pat myself on the back for getting on with my life, for getting up every morning and showing up for life. Just blogging today is a sign that I am on the right path. I will leave the results in God's hands, one day at a time.

Spiraling Upward...

Recovery and progress in this program have often been described as a spiral, that we deal with the same issues over and over again, only on a different level. Many times, it seems like we're sprialing downward - you know, the one step forward, two steps back feeling. As we grow, however, by really working the steps, reasoning it out with others, attending meetings, and doing service work (vital, in my opinion), our spirals tend to go upward more than downward.

I had this type of growth spurt recently. Just a few blogs ago, I mentioned my blood father again. I had actually started this blog with the last time I was in contact with him. Since then I've been working on forgiving him for not only his past behavior but his current behavior towards me. Watching the movie The Savages last month brought it all to the forefront again. I saw these adult children who had been abused as children forgiving their father by taking care of him in his last days. It was moving considering they hadn't had much contact with him for years and years.

But that didn't mean that I had to take care of my blood father in his old age. As someone said to me early on in the program during a step study, you can forgive someone but that doesn't mean you have to take them to lunch. And as my current sponsor says, you can forgive someone without forgiving their actions. Also, you don't need to put yourself in harm's way if that person continues in their destructive behavior. Which my blood father has, continuing to abandon me over and over again while at the same time blaming my mother and me for his estrangement.

So what happened recently besides seeing the movie The Savages? I went to NYC last weekend and visited Ellis Island. It occured to me that I didn't know enough about my father's family to look up if any of them had come through Ellis Island. (I knew about both sides of my mother's family, that they had hit the states and the West around 1852.) When I got home, I found the genealogy book my father had given me in the 1990's about his father's family, and in it was a family tree with his mother's maiden name and her parents' names.

With that information, I went on the Ellis Island website and found three women who could have been my great-grandmother. Then I went on websites in Minnesota to find my great-grandparents' wedding certificate or my grandmother's birth certificate, to find out more about my great-grandparents. I didn't get anywhere, although I didn't make any phone calls to find out more. Instead, I decided that I might have to contact my father to find out more. Then I was reminded from the family tree that tomorrow is his 80th birthday.

Suddenly I felt like it was time for me again to try to contact him. After all, it was his 80th birthday, and his mother would be 100 next month were she still alive. Now I have been advised by both my sponsor and therapist to emotionally divorce my father, and I've been working on that for several years. So I called my sponsor who did not give me advice but told me to pray about it, determine my motives, and think about the consequences, if I could live with the outcome. I pleaded with her to tell me what to do and she said I already knew what to do.

I didn't, but I did know - and I told her so - that I do believe I had finally forgiven him. I had finally let go of that deep resentment that was my original resentment. I didn't really realize it until I said it, but it was true. My insides match my outsides now. I no longer have to fake it till I make it. I truly am serene about the whole situation. It is what it is. I have accepted it and moved on or upward into a different level of living, no longer pulled down by the past.

So after dinner, I started to write a letter to him about Ellis Island and wanting to know more about his mother's side of the family. I fully intended to say Happy 80th Birthday and all that, but just a few paragraphs into the letter I felt very strongly that I was wasting energy and time, and this wasn't in God's will for my life. That I could be open to having a relationship with him, but he would have to initiate it this time since he was the one who broke it the last time. I learned last year that I don't need to mend a relationship that I didn't break!

Even though I used to try, over and over and over again. And where did it get me but not serene. Yet here I am now, serene, although things don't appear right with my world, they are, because they are right in my heart, with my motives, with my God, and with the universe. Each of our stories is different. Each of us follows a different path in recovery. One friend may forgive her father and take care of him in his old age. Another may have to forgive her father after his death.

As for me and my heart, although I don't see or talk to my father, I have forgiven him and wish him a Happy 80th Birthday. He is, after all, a child of God and suffering from this family disease called alcoholism. And because of that, I can be compassionate, but I can also detach with love for myself, moving ever upward in the spiral of recovery.

Doing God's Will

Doing God's will doesn't always feel good. Sometimes, I'd rather just stay home by myself and not answer the phone or doorbell. I'd rather not drive in the dark, on the ice, to meet with a sponsee. I'd rather not adjust my attitude, put on a smile, and drive across town for a pre-Christmas get-together with my children and granddaughter (even though I love them dearly).

I'd rather not be on the road again, first to my parents' for another pre-Christmas thing with my sister and nieces; second to my mother-in-law's to help her move and then partake in a family reunion on Christmas Day. I'm not in the mood to be helpful or merry; neither am I feeling well physically; so I'd rather not show up.

But I will. Because I know it is God's will for me to be there for others. If I've learned nothing else this year, it's that my presence on this earth actually matters to other people - friends, family, sponsees, and sponsors. And if I allow myself to reach out to them in small but significant ways, I will be blessed with that feeling of being connected that got shut off when I was a child.

Instead of feeling all alone, that anyone I love and depend upon will disappear, I will realize and internalize that I am part of a family, albeit imperfect, as well as my Al-Anon family which is infinite, always changing and growing. I am indeed blessed. And so it is with gratitude that I press on, doing God's will for my life even when I don't feel like it.

Chances are that my feelings will change as I add memories to my mental scrapbook:

-my sponsee's adorable baby gobbling down cereal
-my granddaughter saying "baby" in a southern-type accent
-an intimate conversation with my spouse about the meaning of Christmas
-the unexpected discovery of a Canadian sitcom while watching TV in our motel room
-and now, the time to take the dog for a walk before brunch with an old college friend...

Even if I don't feel like showering, getting dressed, and packing up again, doing so is doing God's will. Showing up for life is doing God's will. It's as simple as that.

God's Will for My Life?

I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out God’s will for my life. Yet when I look back, I have managed to accomplish a few things of note: I’ve stayed married for 34 years, most of those to a practicing alcoholic; I raised three wonderful children who have all finished college and live fairly normal, happy lives; I’ve written and published two books and been published elsewhere in books, newspapers, and periodicals; and I’ve edited several books and articles for other authors. I also went back to college in my thirties while raising kids and keeping house. Most important, I’ve been a grateful member of Al-Anon for half my married life, doing service work and sponsoring others. So why do I feel unfulfilled?

Perhaps the problem is that I was told as a child and teenager that I should be either a concert pianist or Miss America; in other words, I should achieve greatness. But I was never good in front of an audience. In Junior High School, I froze when accompanying the choir in front of the student body and their parents. As an adult singing in church, I forgot the words halfway through and simply left the podium and went to my seat. Even today when I speak, I get very nervous even though I know my Greater Power is speaking through me. I never know what I say, although many people tell me afterward that I was really good and passed on the recovery aspect of the program.

Yet the life I’m living now in my fifties still feels empty. Why? Because I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything or do anything worthwhile. Why? Because I have this core belief that I haven’t fulfilled my destiny. I’m attempting to write another book, but every idea I come up with and start soon becomes dormant, one for almost twenty years now. Why? Well, it could be because my last two book projects did not do well and I’m afraid of failure again. Or because, as my sponsor tells me, maybe I’m not supposed to be a writer. Maybe what I’m doing with my life is God’s will. But what am I doing now? I’m retired, so I have no daily purpose other than to get up, pray and meditate, and take care of my chores and daily needs. I also connect with my family members, including my granddaughter, as well as other people in the program.

But it doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t feel fulfilling. Perhaps I need to look at my life with a new set of eyes. Perhaps I need to judge myself the same way I judge others. For example, who are the women in my life whom I admire the most? First, my sponsor, who was an elementary school teacher in her former life. She raised one child, has one grandchild, and cared for her mother (in her home) until her death. Most important, she has been in Al-Anon for three decades plus, attends meetings regularly, checks in with her sponsor, and sponsors many people herself. But has she achieved greatness? Not in the world’s microscope, but as far as I’m concerned, she strives daily to do God’s work by being the best person she can be and helping others to do the same.

Then there is my mother-in-law who is a loving and kind person. Yes, she worked and had a satisfying career, but her greatest achievement is her family which consists of eleven grandchildren and six great-grandchildren with two more on the way. They visit her often and care about her so much that they are planning a family reunion this Christmas. Everyone will be there. It is not an option. Not every woman has family that goes out of their way for them, but she does. Likewise, I have a grandma who at 102 still lives in her own home and has many people who drop by for a visit, even though her short-term memory keeps her from knowing who they are from one minute to the next. She is loved because she loved, unconditionally. I asked her several years ago what her secret was and she told me: I don’t hold grudges.

Grandma never achieved greatness, but she is indeed a great great grandmother. She never did anything of significance for me, but she did everything by loving me when neither of my parents seemed to be capable of providing that basic need. Even today, one of the first things she says when I visit her is: I love you. I believe she is still alive today to continue to pass on the importance of loving others, not just doing for others. My aunt, who lives next door to grandma and sees to her daily needs, does a lot for others. But she is another woman who refrains from judging them and attracts others to her home, simply by being a kind and generous person. I am staying in her home this week so she can enjoy a vacation with her husband. Taking care of Grandma is easy for me; it is the least I can do for both of these women.

Yet, I have big plans this week. I’m going to get that novel started. I brought my writing and research books with me. But instead, last night I spent pouring over written family histories I found in Grandma’s cupboard. Real life, it turns out, is more interesting than fiction. Perhaps I’ll write Grandma’s history instead of my novel. Or perhaps I won’t. Perhaps I’ll just blog more and enjoy my life the way it is. As my sponsor says: It is what it is. Perhaps I am achieving greatness by being here so my aunt can take a week off. After all, she’s in her eighties and never thought she’d still be caring for Grandma. Perhaps I am accomplishing the same thing these other great women in my life have accomplished: to love others the way they have been loved (even if they were mistreated at times). Perhaps what I am doing today is God’s will for my life. Perhaps this is enough. If it was for these other women, it can be for me.

I was inspired to blog this today when I saw this magnet on my aunt’s fridge, so I want to pass it on:

IF I CANNOT DO GREAT THINGS, I CAN DO SMALL THINGS IN A GREAT WAY.

“What a concept,” my sponsor would say. Think about it. This day, what I am doing, how I am being, is all that matters. It is enough.