Arghhh!!! He's Actually Coming!!!

Okay, so I set my boundaries for my blood father to visit and he decided to respect those and we're in the process of making plans. But now that his visit is less than a month away, I'm experiencing the schizophrenic behavior that adult children of alcoholics often go through. One minute I'm this little girl stamping her feet and yelling obsenities or crying, remembering my feelings as a child as if I were right there, almost 50 years ago.

The next minute I'm my adult self with grown children and grand-children who is both capable and willing to stand up for that little girl should her blood father who abandoned her as well as emotionally abused her, over and over again, say or do anything that is unacceptable. But what do I really want? I still wonder. So I'm reasoning it out with others - my trusted friends and sponsors in Al-Anon as well as my spouse.

I want to tell him, my blood father, off. I want to abandon him like he abandoned me so he will know what it feels like. Oh, he does know what it feels like. I have hardly been in contact with him, my decision, for years. He was also abandoned by his father through death as a child during the Depression, and then his alcoholic step-father kicked him out of the house when he was 14. But does he know that he did the same to me and my brother? Does he know it was wrong? Does he get it?

Probably not, so I think I need to tell him until I'm blue in the face and he finally nods in agreement, apologizes, changes into this magical daddy and granddaddy and great-granddaddy who doesn't really bother us again but does shower us with gifts and especially money, lots of money, to make up for everything! Money was how I knew I was loved or better yet not loved in my family. I wasn't given any. It was withheld. It is still withheld, like the love is, like the care is. Like the nurturing is withheld.

But I'm really not in it for the money. I don't really need money. I wouldn't put myself through this for mere dollars. It wouldn't be worth it. I'm really, truly in it for myself, not for my blood father. I need to make peace with the situation. I need to find closure NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES OR SAYS!!!!! I need to find PEACE and SERENITY. I need to know that I AM A GOOD PERSON with the ability to FORGIVE and HAVE COMPASSION for another's DISEASE while at the same time, STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

In short, I need to grow up. My little girl needs to be nurtured by me until we are one. Yes, I can cry, which I finally started to do this morning. Yes, I can ask for what I need, like I finally did last night. Yes, I can get help from other adult children of alcoholics. I can rely on them and my Greater Power, Gracious Mother. I am not alone. I have help. I have a fairly healthy Al-Anon family.

And I have all of you who encourage me and thank me everytime I blog. I have this platform to show you that no matter how long we're in the program, we're growing. We get the opportunities to stretch ourselves, to practice the principles, to use the tools. And it works. It really works. So bear with me, believe in me, pray for me, and love me the same way I "already love you." I'm walking through a fire right now but I can see the door out...