HOPE FOR TODAY'S page, March 18

Many of the amends I need to make center around letting go of the past. It's time to give myself and others a second chance.

In Al-Anon, I learned to take care of myself even around people with whom I have a long and painful history.

If disagreement occurs, I can use my program to help me make decisions I won't regret.

I know I can ask my Higher Power for help with this letting go process.

Today I choose to be gentle with myself and to love unconditionlly while detaching with the past.

Enough said, just for today. I cannot add to the quotes above from today's page in Al-Anon's daily reader, HOPE FOR TODAY, written by and for adult children of alcoholics.

Arghhh!!! He's Actually Coming!!!

Okay, so I set my boundaries for my blood father to visit and he decided to respect those and we're in the process of making plans. But now that his visit is less than a month away, I'm experiencing the schizophrenic behavior that adult children of alcoholics often go through. One minute I'm this little girl stamping her feet and yelling obsenities or crying, remembering my feelings as a child as if I were right there, almost 50 years ago.

The next minute I'm my adult self with grown children and grand-children who is both capable and willing to stand up for that little girl should her blood father who abandoned her as well as emotionally abused her, over and over again, say or do anything that is unacceptable. But what do I really want? I still wonder. So I'm reasoning it out with others - my trusted friends and sponsors in Al-Anon as well as my spouse.

I want to tell him, my blood father, off. I want to abandon him like he abandoned me so he will know what it feels like. Oh, he does know what it feels like. I have hardly been in contact with him, my decision, for years. He was also abandoned by his father through death as a child during the Depression, and then his alcoholic step-father kicked him out of the house when he was 14. But does he know that he did the same to me and my brother? Does he know it was wrong? Does he get it?

Probably not, so I think I need to tell him until I'm blue in the face and he finally nods in agreement, apologizes, changes into this magical daddy and granddaddy and great-granddaddy who doesn't really bother us again but does shower us with gifts and especially money, lots of money, to make up for everything! Money was how I knew I was loved or better yet not loved in my family. I wasn't given any. It was withheld. It is still withheld, like the love is, like the care is. Like the nurturing is withheld.

But I'm really not in it for the money. I don't really need money. I wouldn't put myself through this for mere dollars. It wouldn't be worth it. I'm really, truly in it for myself, not for my blood father. I need to make peace with the situation. I need to find closure NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES OR SAYS!!!!! I need to find PEACE and SERENITY. I need to know that I AM A GOOD PERSON with the ability to FORGIVE and HAVE COMPASSION for another's DISEASE while at the same time, STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

In short, I need to grow up. My little girl needs to be nurtured by me until we are one. Yes, I can cry, which I finally started to do this morning. Yes, I can ask for what I need, like I finally did last night. Yes, I can get help from other adult children of alcoholics. I can rely on them and my Greater Power, Gracious Mother. I am not alone. I have help. I have a fairly healthy Al-Anon family.

And I have all of you who encourage me and thank me everytime I blog. I have this platform to show you that no matter how long we're in the program, we're growing. We get the opportunities to stretch ourselves, to practice the principles, to use the tools. And it works. It really works. So bear with me, believe in me, pray for me, and love me the same way I "already love you." I'm walking through a fire right now but I can see the door out...

Father's Day for Adult Children of Alcoholics

As Father's Day approaches, I suddenly realize why my blood father might have called this week after almost three years of silence. I can't know for sure, of course, but he's probably feeling sorry for himself again. That's his MO. And someone in his 80's just doesn't change. He says he has something important to tell me and wants to come for a visit. My sponsor reminded me that I have choices here. And my decision right now is to wait and see, having told my blood father that now is not a good time, which is the truth.

It probably isn't coincidental that I just put him on my Step 6 list under people I haven't totally forgiven. And when I ask God to make me willing to let go of a resentment, He/She usually gives me an opportunity to face that resentment head on. So I thanked God this morning for my blood father calling. I asked for His/Her will for my life and the power to carry that out (Step 11).

I also thanked God for my step father who adopted me, loves my mother, and is taking care of her in her old age - not an easy task. He's the best parent I have, the most normal parent I have. He's the one who stays in touch consistently and sends out greeting cards. He's the one who supported me financially and emotionally and was there at my high school and college graduations. He gave me away at my wedding.

And he's the one I sent a Father's Day card to. I honestly, completely, didn't remember my blood father when shopping for cards for my dad and my husband. That is a good thing after years of trying to get him to be the parent he's never been and never will be. He's sick and the best thing I can do for myself is forgive him but at the same time take care of myself. I don't know what form that will take, but I do know that God will let me know what is best for me.

I do know that He/She loves me more than I can fathom, more than I love my children and grandchild. And with that, I know I am worthy of good things and good people in my life. I no longer search out sick people to fill the void that was left when my blood father left and my mother was no longer able to love me the way I would have preferred. She, like all my parents, did the best she could. And I, too, am doing the best I can.