Al-Anon Lifer

Anonymous sharings from a long-time member of Al-Anon, which is a safe place to recover from the effects of alcoholism in a friend or relative...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Core Beliefs Can Kill


I know I've been told this before, but I've only started to really hear it lately - that I am lovable and worthy of love, that I am not "bad" but "good," that I am not just a child of God but the "apple" of God's eye...

How can this be? I ask. One parent abandoned me and the other told me all the time that no one would ever love me, that I was ugly and mean, that I was just like the parent who left...

When you hear a recording over and over, you begin to believe it. Even when you know it isn't true, you believe it. Especially when the person saying it is your prime caretaker, your only caretaker...

Then when you're old enough and you get to be on your own, the world is a scary place. So you seek out people, places, and things that remind you of home - especially people who remind you all the time that you are not worthy, not lovable, and the rotten apple...

By the grace of God, somehow, I found my way into the rooms of Al-Anon. The first message I heard was that I didn't have to control others the way I had been controlled. After that, I spent the majority of my time looking at what I had done wrong and making my amends.

Now it is time to look at what I have done right, and to make amends to myself. For too long, I let the lie I was told be my truth. I've always compared myself to the alcoholic, thinking that I was much sicker, thinking that he is a great guy and I have no idea why he is with me...

But within the last two days, I heard a friend tell me that I am lovable, I heard another Al-Anon member greet me at my meeting with "Hi, Sweetie!" and I heard my niece and great-niece tell me that they love me. More importantly, I believed them!

I believed them! They have no reason to lie. I have nothing to offer them besides love back. Until now, this week, I've always suspected people who say they love me because my first experience hearing those words was from my parents...

My parents, who have never loved me, not even to the best of their ability. Some people just can't love. They are that sick. The kind of sick that is not fixable. There are such people. Even the Big Book speaks of those who can not be honest with themselves.

I am grateful that even though I thought I could never recover, never become lovable, and never love in return, I have a Higher Power who has gently, with the help of my sponsors, friends, and professionals, begun to erase, no, to eradicate this core belief - to kill it before it kills me.

6 Comments:

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 5:15:00 PM, Blogger Trudging said...

Yes they can kill. Changing core beliefs is hard but, worth it.

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 11:33:00 AM, Blogger Tab said...

((Thank you for this post))
You are a beautiful human with a big heart..how could I know that?
Just read the post you yourself just wrote!Keep sharing ..it is so important and you give others hope.

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 1:19:00 PM, Anonymous Sober Chick said...

Your experience offers so much hope! You deserve to be loved, and it is so special that you are not allowing your past to define who you are today -- a beautiful person that is deserving of love. I know you have done a lot of work to get to this point in your life, and I commend your courage and strength for being a fighter.

 
At Sunday, October 29, 2006 10:50:00 AM, Blogger Gwen said...

Wow good stuff. Actions can say the same things with no words accompanying them. My parents are sick as well. It still breaks my heart. I do feel they have done and do the best they can but are just tooo sick to do any better. Sometimes it makes me angry and sometimes sad. My sponsor and I speak of it often. At some point I hope to come to peace with it so it does not ache in that part of my heart. Thank you very much for your post.

 
At Wednesday, November 01, 2006 3:17:00 PM, Blogger kel said...

Wow, this is one of the most brilliant posts I have ever read and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing.

Peace.

 
At Friday, November 24, 2006 10:37:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I fell like were sisters, my X-Dad as I call ..'HIM'abanded me when I was 10yrs old, 'he' talked my Borther to stay with him, with promises, any 8yr. old boy could want,then 'allowed' my Step-Mom, to treat him like crap. My Mother was a person who never should of had kids,she made me 'THE ADULT' at 10yrs old. When she would buy my sister new clothes, or take her some place 'special'..I was 'always told..your older so 'your able to understand?' She was 'verbily abusive', always telling what a piece of *S* I was..'Ccause you look just like your Father'..nothing I could do about that, we were always 'Threatned' to be sent to live with him, which 'Jan' (S-M) would eith work us to death...or send us to a 'childrens home'. My Mom was always so hard, 'she could die at any time', many days that or the few that she was off & wasn't up 'early' enough for us, we would keep peacking in her room to see if she moved, or held a mirror close to her mouth, I think we got that from a T.V. show..LOL. we were told that she never remarried, cause no man 'would want you kids', one day I she told me, as I was writting a friend, 'Your handwritting is so terrible, no one could read your letter.' I have sent our very few cards, or even wrote letters, even to my own family, untill this yr. I deciede many of my 'family' is getting older, they 'should' have pictures of my kids who are 'Adults' now. It took me since I was 12-13yrs untill now,(56) I have started writing to my family, & a few friends I have meet on the 'Web'. One think my Mom 'taught' me was to NOT raise my kids, as she raised my sister & me. Shes still alive but after seeing her go to work so sick she could hardly stand, sometimes I drove her to work, at 14 & with no lisence, now shes 'the sickest person in the world'. All she talks about is how terrible my X-Dad treated her & blaming him for certian sickness from 45yrs. ago, or how bad this person 'treated' her...her terrible life, she goes on & on, then starts screaming, many times about what person did what to her, how the way my X-Dad 'cheated' her out of so much support money & he did, I always tell her..'Arent you glad its over?' Not once thinking 'what or how she treated my sister & I, moving us,like 5 trips from Chicago to CA, then 3 day moves from one apt. to another, one yr I went to 7 different schools. All the time she spent telling 'us' how terrible my X-Dad was, how he 'beat her up ALWAYS, he 'beat us kids up to, where was she to 'Help us', I know in the '50's 'abuse' of any kind wasn't talked about. But she & every parent who wants to go on & on how bad the other 'Parent' is. Stop! as my sister & I got older, we got in touch with my X-Dad & found out for ourselfs. Just how 'Evil'..or 'Rotten' the other parent is. I sent her a 'Thank you card' ..saying how much I apprecte her 'taking us away from 'Him'.
Yes I look like him, sorry their is nothing I can do about that...send me your address I'll write you back, I can clean a rug with a screb brush, but only if you come 'screaming' in to my room at 2a.m...LOL Yes I have been in 'Chronci Pain since I was 10yrs old, now even though its been over 30 yrs 24/7, I'll still help you, I can fix your car, washer & dryer, pluming, many things...I'am not 'a dummie' like my X-Dad either. My X-Dad died in the early 60's...he has 'died' again on 11/17/06. I fell so much lighter..a lot of weight off my sholders, & that cart with some of my X-Dad in it is gone, so is all the 'terrible things my Mom said to me...or told the realitives, that its 1a.m. & still I'AM not home..how she does this all the time...ITS ALL GONE!! I gave it all to my Parents...the 'friend' who stuck knifes in my back...my now they have became my 'STEP MOM & STEP-SISTERS, gave them back their crap...let them 'take it to church' with them, besides I'am 'crap' on their feet, ..my Mother was Divorced..'Gasp..Gasp.
I have more, but I'am so happy all the 'weight' I carried all these yrs, is gone...think I'am going to make some cookies...LOL. Hugs, Pegi

 

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