Feeling Out of Control

This photo does not do justice to how shriveled my poinsettia really is. I was hoping that I had watered it in time, but I didn't. It was already too late when I saw it drooping. I know there are people out there who could revive it, but I'm not one of them. I can't even seem to get my bathroom cleaned or paperwork on my desk started.

My life feels out of control. There is too much to do and not enough motivation to even start. I don't know where to start...

Yes, I know "First Things First" but I don't know what takes priority. I'm thinking "How Important Is It?" but none of it feels urgent or important. Yet it is all screaming at me to do something, anything, and the rest will follow - one thing at a time.

I get into this place once in a while where my life feels unmanageable simply because I have a lot to do and no motivation. I've chosen this lifestyle where I have no real schedule, no boss, and sometimes no client. So "Just for Today" should I clean house or sort through files? I don't know. I don't care. Does any of it matter?

Yes, I know this sounds like depression, but it's not clinical depression. It is just the "blahs" perhaps due to the fact that the holidays are over and my company left yesterday and I didn't sleep well last night and my husband went back to work today and it's snowing again and, and, and, and...

Maybe I need to make a gratitude list first and foremost, then I need to realize that I am already doing something. I am blogging which is a good outlet for me as well as a way to pass on my experience, strength, and hope to others. Maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I am... beating themself up for not being perfect, for having a dirty house and piles of paperwork and thinking that this is what constitutes a disorderly life...

But is this really the essence of who I am - how my house looks? How my environment appears? I think not. This is old thinking, that if I can just get my house and my office in perfect order that both I and the world will think my life is in order. The fact is that I was a lot better at looking the perfect wife and mother and employee when I was at my sickest, when my husband's drinking was so out of control that I was trying to cover it up with my organized life.

So here I am looking around me, seeing so much that appears out of control that I think my life is out of control, when in reality I spent the holidays mostly enjoying myself and others and taking care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs rather than racing furiously around to make everything appear perfect while inside I would have been a resentful wreck.

Ooh, I like that term, resentful wreck. That is what I was. Now I am a serene slug, someone more interested in the spiritual side of life than scrubbing the shower stall doors.

Yes, I know I'm a spiritual being in a physical body and there are facts of life that demand some sort of order and cleanliness, but my home is not a hospital and my kitchen is not under inspection. And it is not as "bad" as I think it is. Along with blogging, I am also doing laundry. I can hear the dryer in the background. Soon I will be folding towels. It's not like I'm doing nothing, which would be okay, too, should I choose to have one of those days.

My original purpose of this blog was to share how reading Al-Anon literature can get me back on track, onto my spiritual path, rather than allowing my circumstances to control my thoughts and with them, my life. This line told me to stop feeling guilty about my imperfect home - to remember who I really am and that some things just aren't that important:

"Although I have temporarily lost control of my life, I have not committed a crime. "

Hope for Today, Jan. 4th

Okay, so even though it is almost noon and I have yet to get dressed, I still have most of the day ahead of me and I can do one or two things to begin the process of getting back to normal after the holidays and being snowed in a couple of times... First, I can call an Al-Anon friend to make a coffee date for later in the day (a reward to get myself motivated). Second, I can clean one part of the house along with doing the laundry. And Third, I can make the decision to toss out a dying poinsettia...