Good Grief

I've been reading the Al-Anon book "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" to help myself get through the grief of losing a loved one. A lot of the content has to do with loss around the disease of alcoholism, so it doesn't always pertain to my situation. I lost my 103-year old grandma, who was probably one of the healthiest and most spiritual people in my life. However, my immense reaction to her death did have to do with the effect that alcoholism has had on my life. It felt like I lost the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally, plus the person who represented my Greater Power for that very reason. So my grief has been deep and that is okay - my feelings are okay. The following quote from the book is so true:

"Today I know that grief is the price I pay for having loved and having been loved well." pg. 107

And I was able to make amends to my grandma by spending quite a bit of time with her the last couple of years. I would granny-sit so my aunt who lived next door could go on vacation. I was able to give her time the way she was able to give me time when I was a child. When I was so involved with my husband's active drinking, I had no time for most of my relatives and friends. I lost many relationships, but grandma was always there for me when I decided to drop in for a few hours and then later, for a few days. Like my Greater Power, she did not judge or complain, she just loved me. I am so grateful she lived long enough for me to really understand that.

Having My Say Does Not Mean Having My Way

Yesterday on the road, I explained to my spouse why I often don't speak up for myself. It has to do with not getting my needs met most of my life, as well as the main people in my life being critical rather than nurturing. So he told me to speak up for myself.

But what happened next? When we got home and the house was not clean (at least not to my standards), I voiced my displeasure. I was criticized. Then when I told my daughter about my displeasure when she got home from work, I was criticized. I was told I was yelling when I wasn't. Certainly not compared to the way I used to yell.

In my opinion, I calmly told and showed my daughter what she could have done better. But to my spouse, I was going on and on when in fact it only took me about five minutes. Guess he's not ready to let me speak up for myself, at least not when he's tired and frustrated himself.

In the meantime, I'll continue to go elsewhere to get my needs met. As one of our pages in a daily reader says, I'll not go to the hardware store when I need a loaf of bread. What I really feel like doing today, though, is my old "fight or flight."

I need to remember that just because my spouse is sober, doesn't mean he's always going to behave. I can't expect that from him anymore than he should expect it from me. So today I will remember that he is still sick, have compassion for him, but not let him bully me. I will take care of myself and my needs today, as well as take care of my responsibilities around the house.

Certainly, if I could work my Al-Anon program for all those years when my spouse was drinking, I can get through this uncomfortable period while my spouse is sober. It is clear that drinking was not the problem, but the reason for the drinking which was and still is a "spiritual malady."

I have that, too, so today I will connect with my Greater Power and realize that having my say does not always mean having my way. I can still speak up for myself if I do it in a calm manner without criticizing others. I could have done better yesterday, but I'm not going to beat myself up today for not being perfect.

Eighth Steppin'

So I did another 8th step today with my sponsor. Turns out I'm the only person I need to make amends to. All the others are 10th steps. So how do I make amends to myself? Well, my sponsor had me write a list of my assets. It was hard at first. You know it's not "nice" to toot our own horn. But after awhile it got easier and my list grew, and so did my self-esteem and self-worth. I really have come a long way. I am a nice person, even good. I'm honest, open, and willing, ready to help, ready to serve, and humble... Well, I don't know about that, not now that I have this list! Ha! It's always a fine balance, this recovery thing. But I do know I'm in a better place than I was, even just a month ago. And I owe it all to my program, my Greater Power, and help from others like my sponsor and program friends. Thank you!